Contemplations

Storms

2011-07-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to do something reckless? Just ignore everything that tells you you're gonna get hurt and go for it. You'd be surprised by what you can actually accomplish. Forget fear, the only thing standing between you and whatever you want in this life is you. Let it go. The harder you try to hold onto something, the faster it slips away. Forgive me, I'm in a complete f*#k the world mind set right now. It's like I have a fever because of how angry I am right now.
I want to leave here, I want to go back to school. I don't wanna deal with loans, I don't wanna deal with certain people. I want to do something reckless. I wanna jump off a pier at the beach for the adrenaline rush, I wanna run in the storm outside right now. I wanna go back to the look out and throw rocks and yell until I have no voice left and my lungs are on fire. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I knew something was wrong but I didn't know I wasn't worth the truth.

Everything is gonna be alright, be strong, believe

2011-07-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Back from my week long adventure! I have to admit I missed having my phone and internet haha. So I went up to Canada with my friend and his family, camped on a lake in what felt like the middle of no where. It's so different up there. Houses are miles apart and separated by farms, I don't think I saw one mountain. The lake was beautiful though. When we got there the sun was setting on the other side of the lake, lighting up the water and the sky was on fire with orange and red. Spent almost every night up at "The Point" which was a boulder pile on the water's edge with a good view of the lake. The moon lite everything up and you didn't even need a flashlight to get around. I could see ALL the stars, I've never seen so many in my life. I could see the milky way and satellites orbiting it and so many shooting stars. I found myself wishing for the same thing every time I saw one. Who know? Maybe it'll come true.

Spent my days catching up on sleep or on the lake. Went fishing alot and I've become the sunny fish champ cuz that's all I could really catch haha I hand a couple bass though in all fairness. We cooked what we caught and there's nothing like eating fish you just caught 15 minutes before. Then I'd go kayaking a sh**ton cuz I love kayaking. Did around 10-15 miles just this week. Then on my birthday I got to legally buy alcohol for the first time haha it was kind of a bummer though cuz the lady didn't card me and it was mad expensive! Like $10 for a 4 pack! I didn't even know they made 4 packs! So I stuck with bottles of wine.

The time away from everything also gave me a chance to clear my head and write a little bit. I found myself perfectly at peace when I was up there. I think I finally realized that I'm ok and that everything will be ok. I don't need to worry about what's going to happen next or having to save everyone's feelings or wondering what could have been. There's no point in getting worked up over something that might happen or didn't happen. I just have to roll with the punches and I'll live. I also gave some thought to not living past the age of 30. I don't mean I'm going to commit suicide when I turn 30 but I just can't see myself living past that age. I have too many reasons to cover in this post so I'll save it for another day.

All in all it was a good trip but I'm glad to be back. I missed civilization haha

The Last Something That Meant Anything

2011-07-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

Spent the entire day with a friend of mine, we wrote and recorded the longest song I've ever collaborated on haha. It started as an acoustic riff and he got the lead then we added the piano, it just flowed. Wrote some lyrics I refused to sing and left it all to him haha. Then we added the ambulance and guitar to sound like a heart monitor. I think it has the sickest ending everrrr. how often do you hear ambulances AND heart monitors in songs? never haha. I see them everyday so it's only fitting. It works with the lyrics too.
The end has a lot of meaning to me; starting at 4:03. I listen to it and all the emotions, sounds, phrases bring me back to a place I've been trying to run away from for a long time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2fSjOCLqLg

Think it's time for me to disappear for a little. I'm just gonna fall off the face of the earth. So this might be my last post for a bit. I just need to get away. No computer, no phone, no people. And it all starts tomorrow, wish me luck!

Something like tonight

2011-07-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a while...

I can write the saddest verses tonight.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me.

Through nights like tonight I held her in my arms.

I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her.

How could one not have loved her eyes.

I can write the saddest verses tonight.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I lost her.

To hear the immense night, even more immeasurable without her.

And the verse falls to the soul as dew to the field.

It does not matter that my love could not keep her.

The night sky is full of stars, and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone sings. In the distance.

My soul cannot be relieved now that I lost her.

My eyes search for her, trying to bring her close to me.

My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, it is true, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to caress her hearing.

She must belong to someone else, just as she belonged to me.

Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, it is true, but maybe I still love her.

Love is so short, and forgetting takes so long.

Because through nights like tonight I held her in my arms,

My soul cannot be relieved now that I lost her.

Even when this is the last pain she causes me

And these are the last verses that I write about her.

New Music

2011-07-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've been in a downloading new music mood today, just looking up random bands and such to see if there was anything to catch my ear. Here are a few that did...

Set Your Goals- Start The Reactor
Set Your Goals- The Last American Virgin
This Time Next Year- Cheers To A Late Night
We Are The In Crowd- Easy
We Are The In Crowd- This Isn't Rocket Science
Scary Kids Scaring Kids- Notorious
Say Anything- Cemetery
The Wonder Years- Local Man Ruins Everything
The Wonder Years- Came Out Swinging

and if you miss her

2011-07-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Mr. Mister by Brighten. Look it up.

Doctor, doctor fix me up right now,
It seems I'm slowing down.
Tell me not to worry and I'm going home.

Mrs Amputee has lost the war,
But she's gaining so much more.
Her friends and family love her but,
She's feeling so alone.
But she doesn't even know you-

Mr. Mister tell me something I would like to hear.
Cuz our lonely hearts are waiting for the answer isn't clear.
And if you miss her tell her something my words can't go near,
Cuz she says that I am all she's waiting for.
But frankly I think you are so much more.

It's hard to think this pain does not exist, it feels so realistic.
My mind can not control itself at times.
And if we look back at the next ninety-eight years at this,
I hope we've gotten over it.

Mr. Mister tell me something I would like to hear.
Cuz our lonely hearts are waiting for the answer isn't clear.
And if you miss her tell her something my words can't go near,
Cuz she says that I am all she's waiting for.
But frankly I think you are so much more.

You better love hard,
It's hard to love when you forget yourself.
Its taking way too long.
You better love hard,
It's hard to love when you forget yourself.
Its taking way too long.

bum bum bumm

2011-06-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was hanging out with a friend when we decided to go play guitar on the street for some fun and maybe a little bit of money. We grabbed the acoustic guitars and went to the next town to set up and play. There was another kid with a guitar in the same spot as us and he gladly joined our playing. It was alot of fun and we got to talking, the kid we were playing with is 19 and lives in a tent! He's homeless and his story was one day he got a pay check, bought a bus ticket to Eugene, Oregon and played guitar on the street to make ends meet. Then he made his was down California and then all the way back to Pennsylvania. I thought that was pretty awesome being able to see all the stuff that he has but I wouldn't do something like that. Guaranteed that kid has had his bad days and that's just not for me. After talking we played some songs and made up a few, got paid with cheese fries and it was a good night.
Lately my life has been a shit-storm of one thing after another. I thought writing a song would help but in my mind it only made things worse. It's hard to explain because after I wrote it down I realized I should not be writing about this person. So everything's still really confusing but I'll post the lyrics on here anyway. It should be a pretty good acoustic.

Remember that place you said that you'd always be?

I wanna go back for all the faded memories.
Remember that night you said 'This is how it's supposed to be'

promise me, you meant those words

cuz I meant everything.

Remember that night when storms lit up the sky

I held you close as you shook til you fell asleep that night,
I listened to your breathing, you had me scared to death
I swear my heart would stop when you

wouldn't take a breath.

Remember that day when I took you by surprise
I wasn't what you expected but you didn't seem to mind.
We sat and talked for hours until the sun came up
I still hate country music

but I Just Can't Get Enough

Remember that time when we drove around this town
we gave away our secrets, I let my guard down
I knew you had to leave, I knew that you'd move on
I thought I had you figured out,

where did I go wrong

Maybe can I stay the night?
yea, you know it's cold outside

Maybe can I stay tonight
you know at least I tried

drama

2011-06-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Ahhh what would life be without drama? Sometimes I wonder, maybe better and prolly more boring. All I can really do is roll with the punches these days. I don't know what will happen but I'll make the best I can out of what I have. It's rained the past two days so it's made running alot more interesting. Usually I'll go on a local trail and recently found these mountain biking runs that go down the backside of a ski resort mountain. There are so many boulders and rocks and forest basically. It's about a 2-4 mile run up depending where you start, my ears even pop half way up. It makes running alot more fun though cuz it's running/climbing/jumping everything haha. I love it. The rain however has made it more of a challenge because it's easier to fall or slip up somewhere. I'm already a little hesitant on the way back down to jump off a boulder and drop around 10-15 feet but doing that onto slippery leaves? Ohh damn haha not gonna lie, I thought I was gonna die doing that today.
Found a really good song today, Easy by We Are The In Crowd. It's stuck in my head

"Yea I would do thing that you
couldn't say 'no' to.
Just hold on tight, I'll treat you right
I promise I'll get you home safe tonight."

6/22

2011-06-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want"

Story of my life right now.

For The First Time

2011-06-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

Everything's so confusing right now. Went for a run today and this song's lyrics stood out like mad.

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess, is it God’s test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

She's in line at the door with her head held high
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my flight
But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

There ain't no rest for the wicked

2011-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

Went to my friend's graduation yesterday, I admit if she didn't call me about an hour before I woulda forgot haha. It was sooo long cuz they had a class of 600+ and it rained alot haha. I thought I was gonna get hypothermia. I didn't expect them to announce my friend Matt's name. He died over a year ago. When I heard his name I couldn't be there anymore, I was not ok and tried to drive it off. Went to his memorial spot and talked to him for a little. Is it weird to talk to people who have died? I don't know if he can hear me but I want to hold on to some kind of hope that we're not alone all the time. We had plenty to catch up on.
Another friend got of work and we drove around and talked. It's nice to just have someone to listen and play crazy music with and go get drenched in the rain with haha.
I'm off to go crazy in my basement, already got the amps hooked up. Might have some people come over and have a live rock band kinda thing

Tough Mudder

2011-06-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

I give up on this whole getting a job ordeal. Why is it so hard for me to get a mediocre job? It's frustrating. But I've been focusing on music the past couple days alot alot and got some new material. Gonna talk to some people about getting it recorded later this week, maybe run some rough demos outta someones basement haha. Found some new music on the internet, couple bands I've never heard before but are pretty good.
My older sister told me about this thing called a "Tough Mudder" it's like a 10 mile run but with a shit-ton of obstacles designed by British Special Forces haha and I really want to do it! It looks like mad fun. And the competitive side of me want to beat my sister haha but that's besides the point. It'll be October 22nd-23rd in Virginia so I'm gonna get some friends to come with me! Should be a good time. Here's a video of what a "Tough Mudder" is --->

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObcX5ZopSZE

What She Really Wants

2011-06-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Why did today have to be so gross outside? I went out for a run earlier, the usual 5-6 miles out and same back and it was drizzling when I started. I thought "aww well it'll get better". WRONG. haha it just kept raining and got harder. I was miserable by the time I got back haha. One thing I noticed on my run though was an ambulance. I've seen at least an ambulance a day since I got back to PA. It's ridiculous haha I think they're following me. Maybe it's a good thing? If I get into trouble or something but I wouldn't rely on that. I'm not good at relying on people so why would I rely on an ambulance?

As I'm writing this, I'm watching the PIAA triple A girls high school soccer championship. There are a lot of girls playing that I've played with and/ or against so it's pretty cool. I am a little bias towards CV, I know more people on that team and I've guest played for their club team most of my senior year. I kinda miss soccer. Not a whole lot cuz I played it for 15 years but just enough.

My favorite song of today, "What She Really Wants" by Brighten.

Oh, she's my music when I'm trying to sleep
When I forget the words, she knows everything
What I really want is to hear her sing.

The Story Of Us

2011-06-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

Had a great day turfing with a friend of mine in his car. I was kinda surprised he let me drive some haha. At one point he had to get out of the car cuz he was afraid I was gonna flip it and he didn't wanna be in the car when it happened. I don't blame him but damnn was it fun haha.

It looks like it's time to finally close another chapter of my life. It kinda had a shitty ending cuz we don't even talk anymore but with every ending, there comes a new beginning. And I like the new beginning so far. I don't know where it'll go or how it'll end but if there's one thing I've learned it's to enjoy where you're at in life. Expectations ruin things. I like being spontaneous and crazy and lazy and me. Driving home tonight with a friend and saw fireworks so we stopped in the high school's parking lot to watch. Left the car on for music and obnoxiously sang songs out of tune and danced like no one was watching haha. I'm enjoying where I am in life right now.

This song came on the radio and the lyrics fit perfectly with the last part of my life. Never thought Taylor Swift would write a chapter of my life haha. But I do recommend it, "The Story Of Us".

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

How we met and the sparks flew instantly

People would say, "they're the lucky ones"
I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Cuz lately I don't even know what page you're on
Ohh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know
Is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down and the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes

And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me
Ohh, we're scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Breathless

2011-06-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

hopefully you'll be fine without me by your side
hopefully i will too
times have changed and now i don't even know myself
do i even want to?

you can breathe while i will suffocate myself
what is it about you?
you can breathe while i'm out of oxygen tonight
what is it about you
that leaves me breathless?
you leave me so breathless
and now i can't be
out of sight, out of mind, out of sight of you

you believe in lies
like the one you told yourself

with your heart out on your sleeve
make a note to say 'it's not over til it's gone'
is there time for you and me?

-Pretty much what I'm feeling right now.

Facebook

2011-06-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

I disabled my facebook account. A lot of my friends asked if I blocked them, and honestly I think I was becoming addicted to it for no good reason. People take facebook wayyy too seriously. After I quit the band, the other guitarist (my brother-ish) took me off his relative thing, I guess as a way to get back at me for quitting. That's immature. I wasn't upset or anything but it got me to see how out of control this whole facebook craze has become. I just don't care.

My mom tells me I have an addictive personality and it wasn't til recently I started seeing it myself. Ha it's kinda funny how she was right about that. I don't know why, if I like something I want more of it. I think everyone has that to an extent. She was afraid I was gonna be an alcoholic cuz my grandfather was, but in all honesty I HATE the taste of alcohol. There's no way that'll ever happen.

I have to share this though. The absolute highlight of my day. My friend texted me and told me that her and her girlfriend were in the car and jamming out to a song and she didn't know who played the song. It was a mix cd her girlfriend got from someone else. Turns out it was one of my songs! One of my songs was used in a mixed cd! To tell someone how they felt about them!! I almost had a heart attack and died, that is one of the most ahhmazing things that's ever happened to me!!! I can't even describe it. I write music for me to get what's inside my head to be something tangible, something someone else can experience. And to have someone else who's going through the same thing I was, use my words and my music to explain to someone how they feel? That is amazing.

I've been writing some new songs and I'm excited to see if I'll have the chance to record any.

Because I Could Not Stop For Death

2011-06-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me;

The carriage held but just ourselves

And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

-Emily Dickinson, 1886

I would still

2011-06-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

"I would still ask for more

if I had the sky and all it's stars

And the world with it's endless riches.

But I would be content with

the smallest corner of this Earth.

If only she were mine"

Selling Out?

2011-06-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

Well I did it. I quit the band. Tried talking things over with the other guitarist but his attitude and indifference to changing things made me decide to quit. I've never been called a "sell-out" until that day. So now I'm a "sell-out" for going after what I want and doing what makes me happy. Well I guess that's what happens when you stand up for yourself and something you believe in. I always have another plan, becoming a medic and that's what I go to college for (unlike him who has not other plans). It was weird getting all my gear out of the band room. 2 guitars, an amp, cords, mic and stand. I still have a capo there so I'll have someone pick that up for me. I don't feel bad about leaving either, I felt free after it happened. Now I can find new people to play with and create music I love again. The past two days I hooked up my amps, laptop, guitar and mic n just went crazyy in my basement haha I'd be down here for hours just playing music and getting back to why I started in the first place. It's got my writing more together too which is good, I should prolly have a few demo songs by the end of the week. Tonight I'm off to find some musicians at some open mics, should be a good time.

Time to waste

2011-06-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well I'm putting some serious thought into quitting the band. I'm just not happy anymore. It's all about what the lead guitarist wants all the time. We should be recording soon but he wants to record "our third album". We don't have an album. And all the songs on this "third album" I don't even like. I honestly think we need to record our best songs so we have a shot at getting signed to a label. But what are the odds they'll listen to me? I told them years ago to cover a Ke$ha song, they said no. Afew weeks ago the drummer said we should cover Blow by Ke$ha, well what have I been saying this whole time?!! I don't like where our music is going, it's too punk and not enough meaning. I want to make music that I like. I can't send some of these songs to record labels because I don't believe in them. I think it's time to step away. The only problem is I've known the other guitarist for literally my entire life, he's like my brother. But I don't think I can do this anymore.

E.T.

2011-05-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

What if life didn't have a filter? What if everyone said what they were thinking all the time? Secrets are over rated. I hate keeping secrets. It's like acting as if I'm two different people, I thought I didn't have to do that anymore. As if I didn't learn my lesson the first time around it looks like I'm getting myself into round two. I don't like pretending for certain people. I don't do it for me but I will for other people. I was already in a similar situation before, I would not like to repeat it but I care. I wish I didn't care. I wonder if it's possible to control when you want to shut down, not feel anything. I'll work on that. It's hard though.

Band practice didn't go too well. I was annoyed from the start cuz when I play music its for fun, I work things out as I go since I don't know formally what I'm playing. The lead guitarist kept saying "you're playing it wrong". I'm sorry? Did I finish it yet? Do I brag about how good of a guitar player I think I am? Did I say 'hey check this out, its awesome'? Last time I checked, more than three quarters of our songs came from me just fucking around and putting shit that sounded good together. Music is about the music. Music is not about the guitar player who thinks they're the shit. The music comes first then the stage performance. If you fuck up the music because you're too busy running around stage trying to get attention and your wireless system comes off then you look like an asshole. You're not in a famous band where everyone already knows your music and lyrics. Get the music right because that's what matters.

I figured out how to play E.T. by Katy Perry on guitar, it's slowed down a little but it sounds pretty sick. I am in no way a singer but I have a friend who loves the song and doesn't care and she sings it with me haha. It's pretty cool to have someone to relax and play guitar with. Especially since she'll sing the songs with me.

All Souls

2011-05-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Do you have a soul or are you a soul?

I've been thinking about this question for a while now. I think everyone is a soul. I think a soul is who a person is, it's what makes everyone unique. It's what makes your morals, your feelings, your emotions in check or allows you to lose control. I think it's the emotional/spiritual part meeting the physical part of being human. I think our soul is what makes us human. I think our souls give us the power to show mercy, to empathize, to hurt, to harm and to love. I think everyone is a soul and ever soul has a story. Every soul has it's scars, it's guards, it's locks and tricks. I think some souls lose their way, fall into despair and are impossible to fix. I think the rest are full of hope, wonder about the world around them, feel a need to keep the other souls safe and are dedicated to trying to fix the broken ones.

I don't know why or even how this came to mind but I have to write stuff down to get it out of my head or it'll stay there. I'm the same way with lyrics, etc. I have to write it down to be able to forget it.

Ohh My Dear

2011-05-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

I called you up, you were in bed,

could barely make out the words that you said

But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed

So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so

Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door,

and we talked for an hour or more

Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine

But you said "theres something I have to say,

and I can't because I am just so afraid"

And so I held you as you started to shake, that night.

Ohh my dear, I'll wait for you

Grace tonight will pull us through

Until the tears have left your eyes

Until the fear can sleep at night

Until the demons that you're scared of

Disappear inside

Until the guilt begins to crack

And this weight falls from your back

Ohh my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands

You said "I just don't think that you'll understand

You'll never look at me that way again

if you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow

You told me secrets nobody had known

But I never loved you more, even though

Now I knew what you did

Ohh my dear, I'll wait for you

Grace tonight will pull us through

Ohh my dear, I'll wait for you

Grace tonight will pull us through

Until the tears have left your eyes

Until the fear can sleep at night

Until the demons that you're scared of

Disappear inside

Until the guilt begins to crack

And this weight falls from your back

Ohh my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes

Until the fear can sleep at night

Until the demons that you're scared of

Disappear inside

Until the guilt begins to crack

And this weight falls from your back

Ohh my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

I'll keep you in my arms tonight

rain rain go away

2011-05-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

I think all the bad weather followed me from NC. As if it wasn't bad enough to have a tornado at school, in the whole week since I've been home there have been 3 tornadoes here. I still have yet to see the sun for a significant amount up here too. In NC it was 90 and sunny all the time. Up here it's 50, cloudy, rainy or humid. Blahh. I'm not a fan.
I am excited for this week though. Battle of the Bands on Thursday and we play last then a show at The Champ in Harrisburg on Friday. So back to back shows before the weekend. I haven't played a show since the guys came down to NC so I'm stoaked to get back into it. We have a couple new songs that I'm still kind of learning so we'll see how that goes.
Still looking for a job to pay for college. My parents financially dropped me sooo yea. I have an interview at The Cheesecake Factory tomorrow and hopefully that works out. I'm looking into working at a bar here too cuz drunks usually give good tips. I even went as far as to talk to an Army recruiter to see if I could get some quick cash from that. Like $20,000. But I don't think I'm that desperate and that's like 20 years of my life that they want in return. They'd work with my schedule and I could be an army reserve medic. I just don't know if it's worth it.

Fuckstep

2011-05-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

My new musical obsession. Forget Dubstep. It's all about Fuckstep.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/844Eo6/8tracks.com/dkdangles/fuckstep

hate you

2011-05-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

you are the best and worst thing that could have possibly happened to me. no matter how much of a hard time i gave you, you deserved it. i hate you. i hate how you fucked this up, because even though you don't know it, i wanted it to work out as much as you did. everything about you, and about us had the potential to be something insane. you had the power to make me feel so much. there has never been someone in my life that i wanted to fight with so badly. i fought with you, cursed and yelled at you, because you were something i was passionate about. every time you gave me a reason not to trust you, i let it slowly cut me and then i forgave you. i forgave you every time.

you would say that my friends hated you, and for the most part they did, what amazed me about you was that despite how many times they told me that you didn't deserve me i always went back. i went back so i never had to live with the fact that i threw away something that felt so right. you and me felt so right. and that assurance slowly leaked away. at a certain point, what you did started to speak louder than what you said. it reached a point where even the most sincere words from you sounded like they could be lies. why would she say this after doing and saying these things to other girls? and then you had me questioning myself, which made me feel vulnerable... it scared me more than anything. maybe you couldn't see any of this, because i never showed it to you. i was waiting to let you know how i felt about you for when i knew i could completely trust you. that makes me more upset than you would think.

there were so many days when i fantasized about walking up to you, grabbing your face and kissing you. telling you that i wanted to give everything a try. i wanted to forget all the signs telling me you were wrong, forget about everything people said and expected of me, and go for it, but my brain wouldn't let me, and you have shown me that my brain was right. i think about you a lot, every day, and it makes me mad how you continue to prove me right by being a child about everything. it kills me how no matter how much i wanted you to just be mature, you couldn't do that. you stopped talking to me over something that you shouldn't even hold against me within the circumstances.

if everything you said to me was actually true, you would never want me completely out of your life. just like i don't want you out of mine. i have never wanted you out of my life, and by you not even wanting to be my friend, it shows me that maybe you never actually cared about me at all. regardless i will always want to be your friend, that's my weakness i guess, i can't stay mad at you. i can't back away from you. i hate you so much and i miss you like hell.

Will You Say Goodbye Before You Leave

2011-05-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I could explain the last three weeks but its too long, too many words, too confusing, too repetitive. So I think I’ll just explain where I am tonight.
Tonight I am sitting in my temporary room that was given to me for post-season track. It’s a quad suite but I’m the only one in it. I can do what I want, when I want, great right? No one’s here to share the fun with. I’ve been using it as creative writing space.
My track season half ended today. I didn’t qualify for NCAA Regionals and oddly enough I’m ok with that. I'll be back at the end of June for Jr. Nationals. I need a break from track and school; I need to go home for a bit. I can’t stay on this campus any longer its driving me crazy. All my friends (except my roommate) have gone home or on vacation. This campus is stained with memories, good and bad. I can’t get away from any of them. I can run all over this campus and still be reminded of something. I can’t even play music without an image or a memory stuck on repeat, playing over and over and over again and there’s no stop. There is no shutting my mind off.
My dad will be here tomorrow to pack my stuff in the truck and make the 13 hour drive back to PA. A drive I’m not particularly looking forward to because we have nothing in common and I have no idea what we’re going to talk about. I can’t wait to get back though. I miss my boys, my girls, the band, the shows, the not caring about anything and everything not being complicated.

That's where I am tonight.

A Million Years by
Teddy Geiger

Some things I know to be true...

2011-04-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

-I'm trying to do things right this time around

-Accept what you can't change, change things you cannot accept

-I hope I cross your mind once and a while so that I don't feel pathetic for thinking of you all the time

-The people you love become ghosts inside of you and like this you keep them alive

-I don't know where I stand with you, I don't know what I mean to you. All I know is that every time I think of you, all I want to do is be with you.

-I breath, I survive one day at a time. No different than every other person on this entire earth

-Over thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry and just makes things worse than they really are

-Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: you are all stardust.

-You are the smell before the rain, You are the blood in my veins

-Believe in something. Everyone needs something

-Sometimes I pretend to forget you

-No matter how bad you want something; no matter how hard you work for it: life's unfair. You may never get it.

-No matter how far you stretch your fingers your hands will never be able to catch the hurt you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried.

The look in your eyes says things I don't wanna know

2011-04-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

Just figured out how to play Best Love Song by T.Pain on guitar. The guys finally agreed to cover a rap song cuz another band covered Bottoms Up by Trey Songz last night and it was soooo good. It kinda pisses me off though that I've been saying we should do this for over 2 years and now they decide to start listening.
Took a walk around campus earlier, to clear my head of everything. There's a part of me that really wants to give up on music entirely. I've put my heart into it for the last 5 years but what have I really got to show for it? nothing. A couple recordings that no one wants to listen to.
Music has always been my dream, I'd do anything to get the band signed and go on tour. I just want to do something that matters. There are so many bands that play the soundtrack to my life and I just want to be able to do that for someone else. If a song I wrote can help someone through a shitty day, then it'd all be worth it. If I could play a show and have the crowd sing the lyrics I wrote back to me with as much passion and emotion I used to write it, I would die right there. Fall over on the stage and die of a heart attack haha. I don't care that I won't make alot of money. It's not about the money. I could be starving and just getting by and that wouldn't matter cuz I'd be on the road with my best friends playing a show every night.
College was never really plan A for me. I worked so hard my senior year to try to get an EP together and make contacts at major labels but the guys never seemed to care as much as I did. That went for recording, practice, shows, etc. It was like they were so focused on dreaming about being signed that they thought it would just be handed to us. I'm hoping that this last show was a wake up call for them.
I've been putting some serious thought into transferring back home too. There's another part of me that's just not ready to give up on music. I want to be closer and be able to make some money and practice whenever and book shows and write new songs. I can't do that when I'm so far away. I could just drop track and move back and hope I'm making the right choice. If I'm going to give up everything I have down here, I need to know the guys are committed.

keep your hopes up high and your head down low

2011-04-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss and I guess that’s true. I'll work on changing that.

I’ve been getting caught up in someone that I shouldn’t be getting caught up in. I knew what I was getting into, I knew they were leaving, I knew it was gonna happen, I knew it was gonna hurt but that didn’t stop me. But I think I’m realizing now that it’s really gonna happen and that things are gonna change and that it's really gonna hurt and there’s nothing I can do about it. Honestly, I don’t even know what’s going on with that, I never have and I prolly never will. It’s making my life simply complicated.
I tell myself every day that I'm just another one and that I don't really care. But every time I tell myself that it's getting harder and harder to believe it.
It's a fucked up situation and nothing's going to change that. I just wish I had a chance, I wish things were different but that's the beauty of life: it's unfair.
And maybe this is just me being selfish. I have no right to want what I do but I can't help how I feel. And it sucks to have to keep it to myself. I constantly have to hold back what I want to say cuz it's either not my place to say it or I have no right to.
I hate that I'm caught up, I hate that I can never think of what to say, I hate that I lose my train of thought, I hate that I care and I hate that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

What happens

2011-04-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

“What happens in a certain place can stain your feelings for that location, just as ink can stain a white sheet. You can wash it, and wash it, and still never forget what has transpired, a word which here means “happened and made everybody sad.” -Lemony Snicket

Hard to believe my first year of college is almost over. There's only a little over three weeks left. It all went by so fast some good, some bad, some I never want to forget, some I'll never want to remember. I've met so many new people and I'm grateful to have them in my life. I was talking to my roommate last night about how funny it is how close we've become over the year. If you asked me a year ago how I felt about having her as my roommate I would have cringed at the idea. Now she's one of my best friends! We're even moving into an apartment together next year.

I'm switching my major and probably to something in EMC, physical therapy, surgeon, etc. When I first got here I was so set on being an Entrepreneurship major but the class is AWFUL. I can barely bring myself to go to that class. But medicine was always something I've been interested in so I guess I'll give it a shot. There's no harm in trying.

I don't look at track the same as I did at the beginning of the year. Back in the fall, it was fun. I looked forward to going to practice everyday, I didn't care that I was bad at weights cuz I could only get better. I ignored all the bad stuff that came with two a days because I kept telling myself it would be worth it. Now I'm so happy track's going to be over soon. I skipped my first practice EVER yesterday. It's become a job now and not something I do for fun anymore. I just hope I don't burn out within the next three years.

In the fall I couldn't wait to get away from my family and out of PA, I never wanted to come back. Now I couldn't be happier to go back and see all my friends. I've become alot closer to my mom and I told her more than I ever thought I would. I'm torn now because I want to go back to PA but NC has become my home and I don't wanna leave my friends here either.

It's going to be an interesting last few weeks.

Sketchy

2011-04-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

It's time to start over. I've spent my entire weekend all worked up over some stupid drama. I realize now it's time to just let go. So this is me starting over.
I woke up this morning in just a really good mood. I got to weights early and my coach told me this was our last week because next week is conference. This was ahhmazing news cuz I absolutely hate lifting haha with a passion, it's bad. Went to my english class this morning and felt good cuz I don't have to worry about my 10 page paper anymore, that's done. I only have a couple little things due in that class now. Then I went to check my mail and saw a flyer for the spring jam on the lawn. My band's name was on the flyer and it hit me that it's actually THIS WEEK!! My boys are driving down from Philly to play here!!! I miss them so much and the music and they're gonna be here for a couple days. It's gonna be alot of new music and catching up.
The track meet this week is also on Friday at home right when they're supposed to get here. I won't have any classes so we can just chill all day! Prolly gonna be playing acoustic all over campus and getting into trouble as usual haha.

Ahhhh I can't wait!!!!

I'll never get these words out of my head

2011-04-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last updated. Life's been busy with track season starting and all. Hard to believe I'm already half way through the regular season, only three more meets to go. The next two are at home so I won't need to travel then conference is in Alabama. Had a meet there this past weekend at Auburn, it's a beautiful campus and track and the weather was perfect for a meet. My event was on Friday night so I was able to watch my teammates on Saturday without worrying about having to compete. I'm finally starting to break even with where I was in high school, which is exactly what I needed. I felt like I got worst since I got to college but I'm glad things are starting to look up.

I managed to qualify for junior nationals which is cool but that also means I'm going to be here training til the end of June. I might be able to go home for two weeks but I'm have a training schedule to keep up with. I miss my friends. And I'll only have a month off before track and school start again in August.

I'll also prolly be competing in the NCAA Regional meet cuz my coach told me I'm ranked somewhere in the top 30 on the east coast. That meet is two weeks after conference and I don't know how I feel about that cuz it overlaps with graduation.

I pulled some strings and convinced the band to come down next week to play a show on campus. I'm so excited to see them and play again. It's going to be awesome!

Well that's it for now.

Body Out Of Bed by

Quietdrive

Change

2011-03-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

I think in the next year I need to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I need to decide if I'm going to do music or stay an entrepreneurship major or change it to emergency medical services. Everything's just really confusing right now and I don't know what I want. I guess that's a part of growing up but I don't want to grow up. Still hard to believe my first year of college will be over in a few weeks.

More or Less

2011-03-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

I want more free time and sleep in my life and less stupid drama and homework.
This week I've slept the least and my first track meet is this weekend. My coach also decided to put me in the 4x4 so that should be interesting. I haven't been training to run that relay but I guess there's no harm in winging it. I want less homework because it seems to be eating up all my free time and I'd rather be doing other things.

Normal

2011-03-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I were just a regular college student. I love sports but I've been doing them all my life and I want a change. I can't remember a time when I wasn't competing in something. I want to be normal and not have to worry about getting up early for weights or going to study hall or afternoon practice every day. I don't want to be limited on what I can eat because it'll make me sick at practices. I don't want to be limited when I'm making plans for the night. I want to be normal, just for once. Normal college students only have to worry about going to class and getting decent grades and a social life. Throw in D1 sports and life become a whole lot more complicated. I honestly think if sports wasn't paying the bills for school, I wouldn't compete anymore and I might even be happier. But I'm stuck and it sucks.
I found this on PostSecret a few weeks ago. It's so true, sometimes I imagine I'm in a huge accident and it somehow prevents me from doing sports anymore. I know it's horrible but true.

Opportunity

2011-03-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like I missed out on the opportunity to learn how to read music and play other instruments.

Music is my passion and it kills me to not be able to comprehend how to read it. In grade school I got lessons for drums but I only played snare and no matter how hard I tired, I couldn't understand the music off the sheet. The teacher wasn't much help; she just got mad every time I played the wrong beat. She said I didn't study enough but I went home everyday and played for two hours. My parents didn't want me to get another teacher cuz I got these music lessons through the school; anything else would cost extra. It finally got to the point where I just asked her to play it first and I just memorized the melody.

I really want to learn how to read music and understand it. I think that's an opportunity I missed out on when I was younger.

Five Years

2011-03-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

Five Years ago I wish I spent more time being honest.
I just started high school and I wish I didn't care what everyone else thought. I wish I would have just been myself, granted plenty of people probably wouldn't have been my friend but those same people aren't in my life anymore today. This isn't a huge regret or anything. I enjoyed high school, I have a lot of good memories.

I just wish I was more honest.

Losing You by

Sleeperstar

Show Time!

2011-03-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

Last night was the best show the band has ever played!! It was ahhmazing, I still can't get over it. At first I was having a heart attack cuz our drummer/lead singer had a school play to be in before coming over to the venue. he showed up about 3 minutes before we went on haha. The monster I drank before didn't help that much either. But we went on and it was awesome! We kept a tight set list and the owners really liked us so we'll prolly play there again. Chaplin's is my favorite venue next to the Croc Rock and we get paid like no one business for these shows. We made over $100 last night but when the owner was handing me the money, I realized I didn't need the money to be happy with what we did. It's nice to have money when the drummer keeps cracking cymbals though haha. I could do this for the rest of my life and not make any money and still be happy. Here are some pics!

Break

2011-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

What a week! I surprise flew home last Friday (after my flights being delayed 3 times!) and surprised all my friends in PA. It was so hard to keep it a secret but in the end, their faces were priceless!! The band was happy cuz we have a show this Friday and some new songs to play. We've been able to record some more cuz the EP got mixed wrong and all you can hear is the bass line haha so we're basically starting all over again. I also missed my Les Paul, as soon as I got back I played it. Such a beautiful guitar, felt good to play it again haha.
All I've been doing this spring break is writing new songs, cooking, sleeping and hanging out with my friends. It's also alot colder in PA than NC so I'm finding it kinda hard to call it "spring break". I got off the plane and there was snow on the ground... enough said.
So I decided to do my next few blogs on these questions. They're good for analyzing your life so I thought I'd give it a shot.

My relationship with my mom is honest.

Up until about two days ago I would have had a completely different answer. I've put a lot of thought into my life over the course of this year and decided I should have to lie anymore. It's so tiring and such a burden to carry around all the time. So I sat down with my mom the other day and just told her everything from start to finish. I had my bags packed and ready to go if anything upset her to the point of kicking me out but to my surprise, she accepted me for all of it. I think I was more shocked than she was about the whole situation. Now I know there isn't anything I can't tell her. I'm very thankful for that.

The sky keeps falling down on me

2011-02-24T16:14:00.001-08:00

Today was just one of those days, grey skies, kinda chilly weather and just an ominous feeling in the air. My first class was canceled and I couldn’t go to my second class. One of my track coaches passed away last week and today was his memorial service. The whole team got together at our gym and we walked to one of the music buildings on campus. My head coach wanted us to do it cuz Doc walked the campus everyday and we were gonna take that walk for him one last time. When he was speaking he started to tear up and I can’t handle seeing him cry, I was trying to keep my mind as far away as possible from what we were doing. But we walked and it was good to talk to some of my teammates. When we arrived at the building, Doc’s family was standing outside and crying. I wanted to say something but I got all choked up and words just wouldn’t come out so I kept walking and trying my best not to cry.
Everyone sat in the auditorium and a couple people got up to talk about Doc and he was an amazing person. I can only hope to be half the person he was. I cried but not a lot because there were too many people around. All I could think about was the first time I met Doc at track practice and it was just the two of us cuz everyone else had traveled to the meet. I was having a bad day and he just listened and knew what to say to make me better. Thank-you Doc, I will truly miss you.
Sitting in the auditorium also made me think about my two friends that passed away last year… I thought about how Doc’s memorial service was the 5^th one I’ve been to and that’s 5 too many in 18 years… They never get any easier. I’m notorious for not handling deaths well; my senior year is a good testament to that. I’m a mess when I’m alone after these things so I went to Starbucks just to be around people. A girl I kinda knew came in and we talked and I got to know her better. She’s had struggles a lot similar to mine and it was nice to have someone to talk to about that. Then another mutual friend invited us to go tumble? It’s cheerleading stuff I guess but I thought it’d be cool to watch. So we went to the gym and she taught me how to back hand spring, I’m gonna work my way up to a back flip. But it was just fun and that’s exactly what I needed. They might not ever know how much that meant to me and all I can say is thank-you. You might not know it but today, you saved me from me.

The Sky Keeps Falling by
Jonas Sees In Color

Watch as the sun rips this blue sky away

2011-02-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

I haven’t slept well at all this week, it’s starting to take its toll physically and mentally. I thought I was going to pass out this morning during weights and could barely walk back to my room to crash. Good thing there were no classes today. Slept til practice at 11 and even when I got up to go to that, I was exhausted. I thought I got the flu cuz my roommate has it but I guess not? I was talking to her earlier and she told me I’ve been acting ‘WILD’ in my sleep the past few days just trashing and talking. I never talk in my sleep unless it’s a nightmare or something. I guess that’s what the dreams have been. It kinda scares me cuz my dreams are about people I’m close with, I don’t want to go into detail cuz I’ll sound crazy. But there’s a part of me that wants to see if this will come true. I told my roommate to ask me questions tonight if I’m still acting ‘WILD’ cuz I want to get to the bottom of this.
It was a beautiful day outside and I had fun with friends out on the lawn. I felt like a normal college student today just being able to relax and hangout with friends. I wish I had more days like this.
I've also been keeping this secret and I can not wait to surprise EVERYONE haha I know thats vague but I don't wanna ruin it.

The Space Between by
Valencia

I'm not gonna lose you this way

2011-02-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

What a weekend! I was in much need of it, just time to hangout with friends and have fun. I got to play piano and guitar this weekend, meet new people, have stories to talk about for a while haha and even got back into writing. I could feel everything that's been bottled up for a while, finally start to go away. I wrote down some lyrics at a friend's house but forgot them there so I'll have to get a hold of them before break.
I always talk with my friends about how I should be a doctor cuz I love watching surgeries and I just think it'd be an awesome job. My mom was going to be a doctor but went into computer programing instead so I read the Med school books in my house. Some friends at college are going into the medical field as well so we're always talking about it. I really want to be a surgeon, I want to fix people, I want to make them better. Working in an ER, I would see people at their worst, most desperate and scared but that's ok because I'd be able to help them. It'd give me the chance I never had for two of my friends that died last year. I didn't get to say goodbye, I couldn't help, I was useless. I felt like I need to do something, like I could have done something... but I didn't. Now one of my biggest fears is losing my friends.
There was a scare this weekend that reminded me just how much that still gets to me. I was scared but couldn't show it, I refused to. I knew what to do, trial and error of different techniques I've read about. When she started getting back to normal I had to take some space cuz I kept thinking about last year... It was bad for a little but everything worked out and she's ok.

Disengage by
Sleeperstar

I'm free

2011-02-18T10:34:00.000-08:00

Angels with dirty faces, 
Darkness begins to take me tonight
Good friends, bad habits,
in the end we're all just trying to survive.


And I can't go on like this forever


So I started to run, I put down the gun
Ohh I'm learning to be free
Looked up at the sky
started to fly, it feels better to be me
And you can't take nothing from me cuz I'm free.


Wake up, move forward
Shake off that cold shoulder tonight
Relapse, you're walking backwards 
Just relax, forget your problems tonight


No I can't go on like this forever


So I started to run, I put down the gun
Ohh I'm learning to be free
Looked up at the sky
started to fly, it feels better to be me
And you can't take nothing from me cuz I'm free.


And I breathe so the change is up to you
So be free and rethink all the shit you used to do

They think that they figured me out, they don't even know me

2011-02-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Complicated. Frustrating.

Two perfect words of the week. I've just been livid all week and I'm struggling to find a healthy outlet. As of right now it's all bottled up and I feel like I'm going to explode. There are plenty of people in my life right now who make me want to go base jumping without the parachute. I can't escape these people either, we're connected one way or another and there's no way of cutting them out without feelings getting hurt. I hate feeling suffocated; that's why I don't like peanut butter it makes me feel suffocated.
I want to fall of the map for a day or two. That's greedy and I know this but I'm sick of people depending on my like this and always using me as their crutch. I don't have all the answers and I'm sick of pretending to be happy for you.
I'm not good at track anymore. Two a day practices, everyday since the beginning of fall semester. I just feel worn out and I'm seeing no improvement what so ever. Walked out of practice yesterday and didn't want to talk to anyone today. Don't want to go to weights tomorrow because I'm terrible at it and have to get up so early.
I keep telling myself that it will get better but that's getting harder to believe every time I say it.

Losing Sleep by
Valencia

getting through

2011-02-14T05:30:00.000-08:00

When did I become so greedy? I have a good life, amazing friends, live in one of the best dorms, I’m in college, I exercise every day, get good grades and have someone that cares a lot about me. Lately I’ve been unsatisfied and wanting more. I want more out of this life. When I think about what more I want, a part of me starts to feel bad because of everything I already have. It should be enough, I know it should be but I have this inner struggle that I can’t escape. I’m well off and it makes me so angry that I want more.
I’ve been so stressed lately and feel like I’m being suffocated. It really doesn’t help that today’s Valentine’s Day. This isn’t a real, it’s a Hallmark holiday. I think you should be spontaneously romantic with the person your with and not go by one day that’s marked on a calendar. I don’t know, just makes everything more genuine.
Today’s going to be rough. I can’t stop thinking about a friend of mine who passed away in a car accident one year ago today. I can’t stop thinking about how things would be different if he was still here, if I hadn’t taken that friendship for granted, about where he is now. I miss him.

Breath in deep
and all at once you'll realize
that sometimes
the most important things in life
tend to be right in front of you.
If you can hear me right now
if you're listening, if you're out there
where ever you are
I miss you.
I love you.
And well,
this is just my way of
getting through

Song of the day

2011-02-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

"Vulnerable"
by Secondhand Serenade

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in

because its cold outside cold outside its cold outside
share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that your scared like me so
let's pretend we're alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
isn't that a song already
I get a B in originality
and it's true I cant go on without you
your smile makes me see clearer
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that your scared like me so
let's pretend we're alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone, I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

Soon enough you'll be singing my songs

2011-02-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

Every time I start to doubt my future in music something good seems to happen. I've had some rough patches with the band since coming down to North Carolina and not being there for practices or shows can be a real strain. I know I can't play at the shows and that usually means they have to find a replacement. This hurts cuz I spent the time writing and collaborating with the guys to make the songs ours and I can't even play them. Most recently this happened last week when the band had a benefit concert and a 2 hour set! I was so jealous.
Lately, things have started to turn around. I was talking to one of my band mates yesterday and he got us into his school's talent show in May, I should be back in PA for that. I've been working on that tour down to Key West, FL over summer. We're spending a week in Canada in July and can find some venues around there. Everything's starting to look up again.
I was also looking at the board in the cafe yesterday before dinner when one flyer in particular caught my eye. There's a Battle of the Bands being hosted on campus!!! And I thought if the band could come down here (maybe call it a 'college visit') and play, that would completely make the rest of my semester! I can't go home at all this spring cuz of track so having them come down here is the next best thing. So hopefully it all works out! I miss those guys

The Way You Move by
Count Your Blessings

Me&You

2011-02-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

I have read the things that you say and it amazes me to the point of uncertainty. Uncertain that this idea of self is as formal as we like to believe. The things you say almost mirror the tip of my tongue. What will every one say when they find out that you and I are the same? What will you do when you find out we're not as different as you think?

You see, I try to talk to you but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel- like how you make my heart race every time I see you. And how I can't dream about anyone but you. And how it hurts because it's not real. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

Paulo Coelho

2011-02-07T18:26:00.001-08:00

“I could have. What does this phrase mean? At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn’t. The magic moments go unrecognized, and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything. But love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.” ~Paulo Coelho

The Dream

2011-02-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

I was running through some lyrics/poems on my laptop and found one that I forgot about. I have some pretty bad trust issues and this helped me get that from my head to paper.

"The Dream"

I dreamed that you had ceased to love me—
not that you had come from other beds
back to mine, or gone from mine to others,
just that something in your heart had stopped.

I willed myself awake to find you still
beside me. It was just a dream, I thought,
yet when I turned to kiss you, in your eyes
I saw that you had ceased to love me.

I willed myself awake a second time
to find myself alone, as I have been
these many months, but did not know if it
was terror or relief I felt, and whether

dreams unfold the past or make the future
plain. I dreamed that you had ceased to love me,
and know when I see nothing in your eyes
I can't dream myself awake a third time.

10 Rules

2011-02-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ten Rules For Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this

Starving Your Friends

2011-02-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

My mind's in a million and three places right now. I have so much to do and it seems not enough time in the day for it all. Thought I'd take a break to share these lyrics, I was listening to music when this song came up. And as usual, it has song personal meaning with what's going on in my life. Itunes on shuffle can be like my English class sometimes. Who knew?

"Starving Your Friends"

by Envy On The Coast

(Verse 1)

Thanks a lot.

I've been disadvantaged from the start
She constricted the veins heading straight to my head,
Rerouted the blood to my heart instead

I am braindead,
Thinking in strictly in blues and reds.
Oh, I'm in enough trouble man,
Oh man, I'm in trouble again
Cause everyone's ears are watching me,
But I never, ever felt that this would be
Anything more than a makeshift personal I.V.

(Chorus)
I fall three times as hard
If it's from nothing at all
You all seem twice as tall as I will ever be.
And I feel terribly small
When my head works too hard
When you think with your chest,
There's not a thing that you don't see.

I'm hardly capable of half the damage
That I would like to do
I could swear that I don't care,
But you know I'm too full of shit
To think this through.
So look at me,
I pray to God
But curse too much to be considered true.
I'm just like me,
I'm just like me,
So who the hell are you?

(Verse 2)

I'm but a boy,
Just like the rest of these thieves.
And I borrow phrases from
Dusty, faded, record sleeves
The story is the same,
I've just personalized the name
But if it's all you need,
Then I'd be more than happy to confess my shame

(Bridge)
I know you think you know,
But these eyelids are windows
That shut you out from all the things
That I don't want you to know.
And I refuse to tell you
One single secret I own.
'Cause you'll find I'm petrified
Of your eyes.

(Last Chorus)

I'm hardly capable of half the damage
That I would like to do.
I could swear that I don't care,
But you know I'm too full of shit
To think this through.
I've read the book,
I prayed to God,
But cursed too much to be considered true.
I'm just like me,
I'm just like me,
So who the hell are you?

"I had to read a shapoe of verses"

2011-02-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

So I got up at 6:30 this morning, as usual for track and I was feeling pretty bad. I didn't want to be up so early, I didn't want to get out of my warm bed, I didn't want to practice. It was just the start of a bad day until I turned the sink light on and saw my roommate wrote an inspirational note on the mirror for me. This is something she did for me a lot last semester, I would fall asleep before her and she would write them on the mirror for when I had track the next morning. This completely lifted my mood and practice didn't seem as bad. It also got me thinking about how lucky I am to have my roommate. We met at orientation and the rest is history.
I think what solidified our friendship after getting to college was the first day we went into town to grocery shop and hit up Wal-Mart. After getting what we needed, we loaded her pick up but it was raining. I had a bean bag chair that would blow away in the back so I put it on my lap and we started driving back to campus. Apparently, she thought I could read her mind because she couldn't see out my window and that I would tell her if it was ok to switch lanes. I am not telepathic haha so she started switching lanes but there was a truck next to us! I observed and assessed the situation at hand but instead of verbalizing "Katie, there is a truck in the other lane.", it came out more like "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" haha. She almost flipped the pick up getting back in the original lane. It was a bonding experience to say the least.
Since arriving at college, she's really become my best friend here. We're pretty different for example, she cares alot about school, she's in the honors college, doesn't play sports, and is fairly religious. On the other hand, I don't really care about my grades, not in the honors college, play sports, and not really religious. Even with these differences we get along very well. We're boss pong partners, we get wild and sometimes take jokes too far. We even had a prank war that is still going on but I'll post about that later.
We're always there for each other, when her mom was sick we drove the 8 hours to her house at 3am. She gives me what I like to call "Slap-in-the-face" talks where she doesn't sugar coat anything and just gives me a real answer. I'm glad to have her in my life and as one of my best friends.

Club Can't Handle Me by
Flo Rida

I can't remember

2011-01-30T19:27:00.001-08:00

People tend to say

That remembering hurts
But forgetting is just as painful

I can't remember
Exactly what shade of blue
Your eyes were

I can't remember
What it felt like
When you held me

I can't remember
The tone of your voice
When you laughed

I can't remember
How your mouth tasted
When you kissed me

I can't remember
The sparkle in your eyes
When you looked at me

I can't remember
The curves of your body
As my hands traced them

I can't remember
Why we agreed
We were better off alone

Desire

2011-01-28T10:22:00.000-08:00

English is my favorite class; it has been for my entire life. I like Literature and writing and cutting down to the core meaning of people and emotions. It's something I've always found interesting to say the least. This semester I'm taking a sophomore English class and my teacher has a theme- Motivation. Today we discussed how Desire is the motivation behind almost every human action. What do you desire? Money, happiness, love, success, freedom? Everything we desire when we wake up in the morning motivates what we do every day. If you're motivated by money and make none that day, wouldn't you consider that a waste of a day? We chase our desires to get what we want, most of the time that's a good thing. That creates ambition and makes us strive to achieve more within our lives but following desire gets us in trouble. Desire can make us so narrow minded when we focus on what we want, we don't care what or who gets in our way. "The heart wants what the heart wants" I'm sure you've all heard this before and it's true. We can't change how we feel. However, we can dictate how we go about acting on these feelings.
I understand desire and why people have it but what I don't understand is why people do what they do. I do not understand what is so hard about saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Why do we have to go on these round-about ways to get what we desire? If you want money, get a job. If you want to be happy, get away from what makes you sad. If you want freedom, escape what is holding you down. If you want love, tell your crush how you feel. It's so simple, it's complicated.
There are casualties in love and war, each start out with good intentions and promises but they all get lost in the chaos. Life lesson for the day- If you like someone, tell them. Don't use someone else to make who you like jealous. It makes for good music but leaves mad trust issues. "You have a drunken mind but a sober heart" This is a line from a song I wrote for the band and it's the most honest line in the whole song.

Both Sides Of The Story by
We Are The In Crowd

You won't change

2011-01-27T05:25:00.000-08:00

The winter X-Games start today and I'm stoaked to watch! Pipe's Friday night and that's my favorite, I wish I had a 20x900 foot pipe here but that's prolly a little huge for NC haha I'd settle for a half pipe at all!
Spent two hours making a power point for my mom yesterday to convince her to let me stay off campus next year and get me a car haha. I hope she goes for it cuz it'll save alot of money in the process.
There hasn't been any on-going drama or anything in my life lately which is good. I'm just living day to day, doing what I need to do and trying to get some sleep in the process. I'm a little worn out though so I might go back to sleep after this. Just class, practice and basketball game today so nothing too bad (maybe if I wasn't forced to go to the basketball game under threat of 500 mat jumps).
I was talking to some friends back home and apparently they got more than a foot of snow! I'm kinda jealous cuz there was a thunderstorm in the middle of it snowing too and those are awesome to watch! There's really nothing else like it. All I have here is cold weather and it only snows when I have to go on the track to practice haha and as soon as my practice is over, it stops!
Well I'm gonna crash cuz I'm exhausted.The song for today was something that came on my ipod when I was walking back from weights this morning. It kinda reminds me of the band Saosin.

You Won't Change by
Chasing Thrill

The Real You

2011-01-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to this song for a couple days now. It's really struck a chord with me and what's going on in my life right now. I miss a really good friend... I'm gonna try to figure out how to play it on guitar or something. I've been trying to get back in touch with my music lately. I've drifted apart from it so much and it's something I really miss. I've been stealing a practice rooms in Coulter with the pianos. Sad to say I've forgotten almost everything I can play... I almost broke down the first time I sat there and could not remember anything. Something I went from doing every day to almost never when I got to NC. I'm going to do better, I need this.

"The Real You"
Yeah where are you these days?
I think that you’ve gotten lost somehow.
You’ve changed your clothes and your hair and now I can barely recognize you.
We catch eyes and you just look away
Faking the attitude that you portray
Pretending to be so alone when you just put yourself there in the first place.

Tell me why do you seem so cold?
Do you feel you’re out of control?
So you wanna change yourself before the world can change for you?

I’m missing a part of me
It’s my favorite part of you.
I think we can find it, But I need you to miss it too.
I know life gets crazy and it’s killing you lately, but that’s not an excuse.
Yeah these days I’m missing the real you,
Yeah I’m just missing the real you

What the hell are you doing lately?
It seems to me like tearing yourself down
With all the drugs and the drinks that you sink into your body for attention now.
Looks like you’re really giving it up lately
To anyone who wants to use you more.
You just have all this pain, and think more pains the cure.

I’m missing a part of me
It’s my favorite part of you.
I think we can find it, But I need you to miss it too.
I know life gets crazy and it’s killing you lately, but that’s not an excuse.
Yeah these days I’m missing the real you,
Yeah I’m just missing the real you
Yeah I’m just missing the real you

I’m missing a part of me
It’s my favorite part of you.
I think we can find it, But I need you to miss it too.
I know life gets crazy and it’s killing you lately, but that’s not an excuse.
Yeah these days I’m missing the real you,
Yeah I’m just missing the real you
Yeah I’m just missing the real you

I don't like titles

2011-01-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

It is not a word, nor a single action.

In truth, it can never be wrong

Like the sunrise, perfect in every possible way.

It is many things and yet it must exist

In the small space of the heart.

Once found it can bloom endlessly, with no cease.

It can choke one's throat, bring one to tears...

But it never hides in shadows or in darkness

It never feeds itself on deception.

It grows with trust, honesty and compassion.

Nothing less, always more.

You know what's the most terrifying thing
about admitting that you're in love?
You're just naked.
You put yourself in harm's way and
you lay down all your defenses.
No clothes, no weapons.
Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable.
The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe
the other person loves you back
and you can trust him not to hurt you.

We all want to fall in love. Why?
Because that experience makes us feel completely alive.
Where every sense is heightened, every
emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered
and we are flying into the heavens.
It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon.
But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left
with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives

Suddenly, quietly, you realize that from this moment
forth you will no longer pass through this world alone.
Like a new sun, this awareness rises within you, freeing
you from fear, opening your life. This is the beginning
of love and the end of all that came before

The moment I heard my first love story I began seeking you.
not knowing that the search was useless. Lovers don't meet somewhere
along the way, they're in one another's soul from the beginning

cuz love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules,
then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

This revolution starts when you're in motion

2011-01-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

I thought study hall was only in high school so when I got here I was surprised ALL freshmen or transfer student athletes have to complete 6-8 hours per week! That’s crazy. My whole first semester I had to get used to early morning weights, class, study hall, afternoon practice, meetings, sleep and social life. It’s harder than it seems. To get out of study hall this semester I needed a 3.5, ehh I was close. So I get another whole semester of study hall but it got reduced to 3 hours per week. The weird thing about sitting in the field house is I strongly dislike this building and every time I come in for study hall I do everything but my homework. I can only do homework in starbucks or my dorm. I just despise being in this building so much! Luckily I’m only here for another 40 minutes or so. Wish I had a book…
Practice should be fun today, everything’s gonna be on the run way and it should be pretty short. I’m going snowboarding tonight and still need to get all my gear together. Hopefully there won’t be as much ice as last time. I have a new snowboarding song!!! Not gonna lie, I feel like a BAMF riding down the mountain when this song’s on haha

Get Your Back Off The Wall by
Family Force 5 (Ft. 3OH!3)

As our shadows grow there's nothing left to hide

2011-01-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

Wow I've been busy; track continues to eat my life.Today was a good day though. Classes were easy and I got out of both of them early, it was a surprisingly fun practice and I got out of my study hall punishment hours. Weights this morning weren't fun but walking there was! Every morning I have my ipod on and dance to the field house haha there's no one out at 6am so I don't care. I catch myself sometimes during the day when I'm on my way to class and I'm about to dance but nahh. Maybe if people joined haha.
Signed up to go snowboarding tomorrow, I'm gonna get my actual phone back and not have to use my half broken old one. It'll be a good time and I'm excited. Tonmorrow's gonna be crazy but at the end of the day I'll be doing something I love, I couldn't ask for a better way to end the week.
I just realized it's been awhile since I even touched my acoustic guitar. I'm sitting here in my dorm just staring at it, it's almost a stranger. I miss being able to play every day like I used to. I talked to some friends who work at starbucks on campus and maybe they'll start open mic nights. If I'm in there doing homework, might as well be able to play too!
I have some free time now so I'm going to get acquainted with an old friend, and the first song will be today's pick.

Here We Stand by
Amber Pacific

What was lost is now found

2011-01-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

They found my phone!!!! I'm so excited but I won't get it back til Friday when I go boarding again, its kinda bummer. My old phone should be here tomorrow, the only problem is I won't have anyone's number down here ha. Not having my phone has been causing more stress in my life than having it does. I'm waking up 6-8 times a night to make sure I don't miss weights in the morning, it frustrates me to no end not being able to know the time or communicate with any of my teammates. It's rough but I'm glad it's almost over.
Track's becoming a pain. I have to cancel plans with friends and not be a normal college student most of the time. From early morning weights, three hours of classes, two hour afternoon practices, team meetings, study hall my schedule fills up pretty fast. I try to make time for the people that mean the most and for the things I love to do but that gets hard when I'm worn out from practices. For example, right now I'm sitting in starbucks attempting to finish homework and stay awake. If I stay in my room, I will fall asleep haha.
I can't wait for the season to start, it'll be worth all the training when I get to compete. Granted there are only nine outdoor meets but I'll take what I can get. I want to beat the school record, win the SoCon championship and hopefully be rewarded with a bigger scholarship. If I can make All American, I'll get a full ride so that's my main goal.

The Story of Your Life by
We The Kings

Religion Ruins Good People

2011-01-16T09:20:00.001-08:00

The title is pretty self-explanatory, religion ruins good people. There are so any rules on what you can and can’t do, what you should think and believe, what’s right and wrong, what’s going to send you to heaven or hell. I think it’s ridiculous. Some people say if you don’t go to church every Sunday or read the bible or know the commandments that you’re gonna go to hell. Honestly, I say screw you. I went to Catholic school for 12 years and still think it’s ridiculous. Just because I don’t go to church or bible study doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It doesn’t make me and less of a person than anyone else. I believe if you’re a genuinely good person and try to do the right thing; that should be enough.
I hate how judgmental religion makes people. One aspect of my life does not change who I am and who I’ve always been. I didn’t choose this and I shouldn’t be punished for it or looked down on for it. I try to be a good person and I try really hard not to let it get to me. I’m not perfect. If religion has done one thing in my life it’s showing me who my real friends are. You don’t just walk away from someone you’ve been friends with for years over this.
It's not fair.

Save Us by
Cartel

I sang it every night for you

2011-01-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

Losing my phone is actually turning out to be a good thing, who woulda thought? I’m not constantly checking it for txts or being bothered. I can just relax. So I don’t really miss it but I’ll have to get another one eventually cuz it’s my alarm clock for all my early workouts.
I’ve been doing my homework for the past hour for my English class. It’s always been my favorite class, I even thought about being an English teacher but I wouldn’t be able to deal with ignorant kids. I’d kick them outta the class room and prolly be fired ha. I’m gald I got into the English class that I did cuz it’s a sophomore class, more challenging. I have to read about 50 pages for each class and with plenty of papers but I genuinely enjoy what we are talking about. The theme for the class this semester- Motivation and Reward. What motivates us to do what we do? Money, love, passion, hate, pride, fear, relationships, jealousy, etc. I started thinking about things I do and what motivates me. I don’t have the answers for all of them yet but I admit I do things for the wrong reasons sometimes or the motivation behind my actions aren’t the most altruistic. I see that now and it’s humbling.
The song for today is by a band I know personally, they played my benefit concert for the American Cancer Society last year. They’re all cool guys, check them out on myspace or something.

Nordic by
Nemes

bye phone

2011-01-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I feel like I’m losing everything. Specifically one of my closest friends and someone I care a lot about. I thought going snowboarding would fix all my problems but the mountain ended up eating my phone which is only making everything worse. The mountain was fun, no half pipe though which was a bummer. I also found out there’s a lot of ice on the mountains in North Carolina, it’s not like that back in PA at all. So the first few runs were rough but I got it together. Then I started falling down a lot cuz I was thinking about everything except for what was right in front of me. I don’t know maybe I should just accept things the way they are. People grow apart all the time, people don’t turn out the way you thought they would, people can be disappointing and people can be surprising. I guess it’s all a matter of circumstance. I think I’m holding on to who I thought these people were and hoping that nothing’s change but the sad reality is that they have. I’ve changed too. For better or worse, I’m not sure yet.

Boulders by
New Found Glory

Hello

2011-01-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

I need a break from homework for a bit. Looked over some stuff I have on my laptop and this one kinda stuck out. You can put your own meaning to it, I know what it means for me.

If you feel something's wrong then you

speak up and shut your mouth.

Cuz all I see is hatred and anger,

it looks like our lives are headed south.

So climb up to the highest mountain

and look at all the destruction below,

step away from the fucking mirror

and take a look outside your window.

Let's start a revolution...

open your eyes, you're blind

you cannot see...

Let's start a revolution...

you cannot see...

So just open your eyes

we're all so blind some times

and start making a scene

stop living life like machines.

Your words and your actions

well they're just not the same

we need to find some way to

make a change.

If I were a love poet..

2011-01-12T12:55:00.000-08:00

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not much of a love poet but if I was to wake up tomorrow morning and decide that I really want to write about love, my first poem would be about you. About how I loved you the same way that I learned how to ride a bike: scared. But reckless. With no training wheels or elbow pads so our stars can tell the story of how I fell for you.

I’m not much of a love poet but if I was, I’d write about how I see your face in every cloud and your reflection in every window. You see I’ve written a million poems hopin’ that somehow you’d jump out of the page and be closer to me. Because if you were here right now, I would massage your back until your skin sings songs that your lips don’t even know the words to. Until your heartbeat sounds like my last name and you smile like the Pacific Ocean, I wanna drink the sunlight in your skin.

If I was a love poet, I’d write about how you have the audacity to be beautiful even on days when everything around you is ugly. I’d write about your eyelashes and how they are like violin strings that play symphonies every time you blinked. If I was a love poet, I’d write about how I melt in front of you like an ice sculpture every time I hear the vibration in your voice and whenever I see your name on the caller ID, my heart plays hopscotch inside of my chest. It climbs onto my ribs like the monkey bars and I feel like a child all over again.

And I swear I’m not a love poet, but if I was, my first poem would be about you.

And after all of that, he was like, “So how do you feel about me?”

I said, let’s put it like this. I wanna be your ex-girlfriend’s stunt-woman. I wanna do everything that she never had the courage to do like trust you. Honestly, when our lips touch, I can taste the next 60 years of my life. And some days, I wanna swallow stacks of your pictures just so you could be a part of me for a little bit longer. If I could, I would sample your smile and then I would let my heart beat to the bass line and we would create the greatest love song of all time whenever we stand next to each other.

Love, I was the only one made for you. And you, you can be At Last by Etta James and I’ll be Ooh, Child When You’re in Pain or you can be candy coated drops of rain even though it never rains in Eastern Pennsylvania.

And together, me and you…we can be music. And when my friends ask if you’re my boyfriend, I’ll say no. He, he’s my musician. And me, I guess you can say, I’m his favorite song.

Happy Tuesday

2011-01-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

It was brought to my attention through various friends the past few days just how clumsy and uncoordinated I am. It’s not just that I’m probably the weakest member of the track team but I just can’t seem to stay on my feet haha. My friend brought up one time in the weight room when I was squatting a light weight and just fell backwards, I don’t know what happened I just fell. Then there was the whole lunging incident that I won’t get into but most recently the last two days at practice I ate shit on the runway in the gym. Yesterday cuz my coach held the wrong chord when I was doing sprinting drills and today cuz my legs are so sore. I can’t try to be the ‘cool kid’ cuz in reality I’m a dork haha. I fall down, I say things that don’t make sense but I’m not trying to impress anyone. It’s just who I am. My roommate has even kept a list of stupid things I’ve said this past semester; it’s called ‘The Quote Wall’. I just try to have fun with everything I do cuz life’s just boring otherwise. I don’t know why people take life so seriously, no one gets out alive anyway. I think it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself every once and a while.

Magic by
B.O.B.

SNOW DAY

2011-01-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

First day back to school and it's a snow day, I couldn't ask for anything better! I was stoked weights were later than usual and I got to go boarding a little before afternoon practice. Practice was rough though so I'm gonna recover for a little before heading over to an apartment complex cuz I heard it wasn't plowed yet. Maybe use the speed pumps as jumps haha. I'm so happy to be back, it's been too long. I still need to see most of my friend but I've just been crazy busy since getting back last night. The start of a new semester and a new adventure every day! Think I'm gonna sign up to go to a local mountain on Friday with BaseCamp, it's cheap and I won't have to stay in a group. The only down side is I heard the mountain has no halfpipe. That is a problem cuz it's my favorite feature in the terrain parks. I'll just made due with what's there and just have fun.
So the song I picked for today is because it's what I always listen to when I go boarding. It's the greatest feel just standing at the top of a mountain and the snow and the view and music. All building up til you take a deep breath and shift your weight to start down the mountain, carving lines and dodging other people.

I still Remember by
Bloc Party

Last day

2011-01-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well it's my last day in PA, I'm packing to go back to school now. I'm coming back with alot more than I thought, snowboards and regular luggage. I just hope the airport doesn't lose any of it. I'm sad I can't bring my new guitar back cuz I love it! It's gonna be hard not playing it for a couple months. I'm sad I have to leave my friends too but I need my freedom back. Some friends and I are having a full out nerf war in someone's basement later today and that should get pretty intense! No lights, no teams, no rules. Only way to get other people out is a kill shot to the head. Then we're heading to another friend's house cuz they're throwing me a going away party. It feels like I'm dying and when I go to school, I'll never come back. It's weird. If there's one thing I've learned in my life it's to never say 'good-bye' to someone cuz 'good-bye' is forever and you just don't want that to be the last thing you say. It's better to say 'see you later' so that's what I'll say tonight. It's gonna be a long semester cuz I'm not coming back to PA til after finals or whenever my track season finishes. I'll take it like an adventure though, every day is a chance to do something out of the ordinary.

Lost At Sea by
The Arrival

Déjà vu

2011-01-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

A friend and I were talking about dreams the other day and it was a pretty interesting conversation. What do dreams mean? I wish I knew. Have you ever had a dream that felt real? So real that when you woke up, you weren’t sure if you were actually awake. Sometimes I have good dreams and I wake up but I pretend I’m not really awake yet and try to go back to sleep and into that same dream. That never really seems to work ha. I have déjà vu from my dreams too. When I first got to college the first night I had a dream about events that took place at the end of the semester. It was weird to watch them happening as events unfolded. Sometimes I meet people for the first time and just know things about them that I probably shouldn’t. Like I’ve met them before somehow. Sometimes I just know something’s going to happen but I can’t explain why. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. It’s just a feeling and I really don’t know how to describe it, life/people can be predictable at times.

Déjà Vu by
3OH!3

L.O.V.E.

2011-01-06T06:28:00.000-08:00

Demoed a song last night with the band. It’s called- L.O.V.E. (losing ourselves very easily). I wrote this song back in September. It’s about being struck by that one person and you can’t get them out of your head. I think this acronym fits the word it represents because that what happens when you fall in love, you lose yourself in that other person. It may seem a little extreme for just meeting someone; most would call it a crush. But have you ever let your mind go with the possibilities? If you never take a chance on that crush, you’ll never know where the possibilities can lead. I made the mistake of waiting before I said something and by then it was too late. So these are the lyrics, if I can get a copy of the demo later this week I’ll post that.

L.O.V.E.

(Losing.Ourselves.Very.Easily)

(Verse 1)

Is this real, no it can't be
She is my dream girl and she
can only be inside my head.
She is everything I want,

everything I want and need.
Everything that matters to me.

(Chorus)
And we are losing ourselves very easily
(And that's what love means)
It seems you fall even when you've found peace
(And that's what love means)

She's all I want, all I need
She gives me a reason to believe
and that's what love means
(That's what love means)

(Verse 2)

Chasing you around the clock
searching for what I forgot,

desperately I'm waiting for the day.
When you turned to look at me
the world stopped and I could see

all those dreams I had were meant to be

Cheap Thrills

2011-01-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

I was up kinda late last night looking through old note books of lyrics and trying to write new ones when I found a couple old songs I never showed anyone. It was quite the throw back and kinda cool to see how the writings have progressed. A lot of these lyrics were about heart break cuz that’s the time in my life when I wrote the most; some of it is illegible cuz I wasn’t exactly in a full state of mind when I wrote them haha. I had fun trying to decipher what it said and half of it didn’t even make sense, for example “If a hippopotamus ever wants to fight just walk away.” –I have no idea why I wrote that but yea haha my point exactly. These are song lyrics I wrote almost two years ago and never really got around to putting music with it for the band.

"Cheap Thrills"(Verse 1)
She turned my head over heels,
She promised she could make me feel
like never before
and she knows that I want it more.

(Pre-Chorus)

She's not what I'm used to getting
but I'm curious to what I'm letting

into my life, even for just one
even for just one night.

(Chorus)

Cheap thrills and I'm begging for more,
She has a hold and she's not letting go.
Cheap thrills and I'm begging for more,
She has a hold and she's not letting go.
So baby back down cuz my heart starts trippin'
and let's not forget who else is lookin'

but baby don't stop you got me thinkin
I could have you all to myself tonight...

(Verse 2)
'Rawr, I miss you more"
read her text as I left out the door.

And now all bets are on,
we'll see who takes her home

(Bridge)
Put us together, you know that you want to
All bets are on, she knows that I want to,
Put us together, you know that you want to
All bets are on, she knows that I want to...
Ohh no...

Day One

2011-01-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

If there was one thing I could bring back to school it would be the entire band, all the guys, all the equipment and all the fun. I realized when I got down to North Carolina that music’s not as much fun when you play by yourself. Sure I have people I can play with down there but it’s not the same. The guys are like my brothers and we’ve played together for so long, I can’t replace them. We have our rough patches and disagreements but we always get through it. Sometimes I feel like the ‘band mom’ when I mediate the arguments and try to keep everyone happy. I have my moments when I’m just angry at everyone though like last night. I just got a new guitar and I guess they think it’s funny to pretend to damage it? I really don’t get this but it really bothers me cuz I can’t afford another one and if something were to happen to it, I would not be responsible for what follows. Then some of the guys complained they couldn’t hear themselves playing so we had to rearrange the amps in the room. I was annoyed cuz usually you can’t hear yourself on stage and you should know your parts well enough that you don’t need to hear yourself. When I voiced that opinion I was accused of playing wrong chords sometimes. I decided not to snap back and make the situation worse and we continued the set. When we started working on a new song, opinions really started to clash over lyrics. I love/hate writing lyrics with the band. Usually because 90% of everything I suggest gets shot down and I hate having lyrics that don’t make sense or that are too detailed in the wrong ways. Being the only girl in the band, I am severely outnumbered when it comes to voting on lyrics as well. I think that conflict helps us write better music though, we’re all fighting for what we think will sound the best and it works. These are the lyrics we wrote last night and all in all I'm happy with them.

"Day One"

I’ve made it to day one,

without the help of anyone.

I’ve had too many takes,

this time I’ll live without mistakes.
Nobody next to me,
nobody to tell me who to be.
I hold my destiny,
Now here’s a chance to let me see the world my way.

It seems I’ve done my time

I found another way to live my life

I don’t want to be who I was back then

Something’s changed, now I can’t remember who I am.

Now that I made it here,

left the world behind with all my fear.

And I’m not looking back

it’s just a reminder of what I lack
I’m gonna give it all
to make this home
I hold my destiny,
Now here’s a chance to let me see the world my way.

Fears

2011-01-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I used to be afraid of the dark. I would count the number of steps from the door all the way to my bed to keep from focusing on the darkness in between. But that was a long time ago; now there is darkness everywhere. I find myself focusing on little things to avoid what I am afraid of, I spent the past semester hiding. I’d bury myself in track and school and try not to put myself out there. I’m afraid of getting hurt by other people, that’s why I hate relying on them for anything; I admit it’s a pride thing too. I’d rather write an entire project than work on it in a group, walk somewhere in the dark and bad weather than ask for a ride, fail a class because I refuse to ask for help, not go somewhere instead of having to explain why I can’t go. I can’t let people in. Every time I have, I’ve just been burned. I spent so much time building these walls and I’m comfortable behind them. Lately, I’ve had to rely on other people more than I’d like and I’m angry at myself because of it. I’m usually the one who has it all together and is fixing everyone else’s problems but the truth is I don’t. No one gets a ‘how to’ guide in this life, we’re all kinda winging it. Everything we do in this life has a consequence of some sort. Whether it’s going for a walk or going to war, the end result is uncertain. So we must be sure of our message, we must be sure of our desire. Stay true to your word, live as if you have no regrets and no matter the outcome stand proud knowing your two hands did something that will be remembered. Then the darkness doesn’t seem as bad. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know when I'll fall. I just know that in the end it's worth the risk.

Here We Are After Dark by
The Dangerous Summer

Let you go

2011-01-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

I’m sick of people making me feel like I’m not good enough, like I don’t deserve to have what I want. You have no right to say any of that because you don’t know me. I don’t care how long you’ve known me for, you don’t know me the real me. You don’t know what I’ve been through in my life. Stop being so narcissistic and stop comparing us, we are nothing alike. I’m tired of you constantly putting me down every time I say something. I’m not perfect but at least I can accept it. I can do anything I please with my life so if I want to be a surgeon, a writer or be in a band and you don’t approve then keep your mouth shut. I’m tired of the constant fight for attention, if you feel you need it that bad go on Jersey Shore or something. You always complain about me being selfish but there’s a difference between selfish and being quiet and keeping to myself. I look out for me cuz you sure don’t.
There are plenty of other messed up relationships in my life but I'm only going to address one more. The last year and a half have been crazy with you in my life and I never would have thought we’d be like this now. It hurts everyday but I can’t keep holding on like this because nothing’s going to change. You get to do what you love everyday and I would never ask you to walk away from that. We both messed up but we both tried. I won’t be spending the rest of my life wondering “what if” about that day. You were there when no one else was and you still have no idea how much that meant to me. You believed in me and my music, I don’t know what I would have done or where I’d be without you. This is me saying thank you… This is also me letting go. We can talk about how ‘things would be different if’ but the truth is that’s never going to happen. If you love something you set it free, right?

Let You Go by
The Rocket Summer

The Weight

2011-01-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

So I've had this weight on my chest the past few weeks that I need to get rid of. Everything just exploded in the last couple days and I realized no matter how much you want to be there for someone, you can't always help them. You can't fix them or take the pain away, you're helpless. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you needed me. I'm trying to keep myself together and fix everyone else at the same time and it's finally starting to wear me down.

"The Weight"
Do you ever feel alone?
Do you ever feel alone?
I just want, I want the answers now.
I wanna tell you, you'll be ok
some way, some how...
Hold nothing back, speak how you feel
cuz life's a fact and this shit is real.
Cuz I know it gets rough
and it seems like there's no hope left.
So next time you give real love,

just take a breath, just sing it out...
Ohh, ohh, ohh...
Just take a breath.
No, no, no....
Don't be scared, I'll be here
to dry your tears.

The New Year

2010-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

“Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they’ll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already” – Jean de La Bruyere, Les Caracteres, 1688

I might be 18 but I still consider myself a kid. I make mistakes; I do things without thinking about the consequences and rage against the machine when I feel the need to. I really don’t want to be an “adult”, I feel like I’d be settling for something I’m not. To me adults have jobs, not fun; bills, not I.O.Us; meetings, not parties; coffee, not hot chocolate; sick days, not snow days. If I could stay 18, I would. I don’t even want to turn 19 cuz I think 19’s an ugly number. 20’s a good number though, I’ll tell people when I’m 20. I like to think I can be mature without being considered an adult. I don’t need a babysitter, I can make my own decisions and I can learn from my own mistakes. It’s my life, I know you want the best for me but sometimes you have to learn to let me go. You put me in more danger when you prevent me from doing things because then it puts me in the position where I have to take more risks to get to where I know is best for me. I know my limits, I always have a way out and I’m a resourceful kid. Let me experience life and learn for myself, that’s all I ask.
Looking back on this last year I’ve had many ups and downs; I just hope this year will be better. I hate this holiday cuz my parents usually make me stay home. I understand the fear of drunk drivers but I would rather be in an accident than have to spend another New Year’s Eve with my family. It’s the same every year, same greasy unhealthy food, same show on the tv, same arguments, same people. I’m tired of it and I want to spend this year with my friends. I want to bring in the New Year with people I’m happy to be around.
This song is pretty much everything I wanna say today.

New Year by
Parachute

Detour

2010-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

I can't really sleep so I decided to look into booking a tour for my band this summer. I thought it'd be cool to go all the way down the east coast from Philly to the Florida Keys then back up through Tallahassee, Asheville and back to Harrisburg. It's about a 2,500 mile trip but it'll be so much fun! I'm in the middle of finding venues and contacting local bands to play with. If we can play a show a night with some days for travel and rest, that would ideal. It should last 2-3 weeks so maybe the last week of July into August. I like being the band's manager and booking shows, it's alot of responsibility and pressure but I work best in those conditions. Sometimes it gets frustrating cuz I can't always get us into shows we want and the guys complain and I want to yell at them but they get over it.
We finished recording the EP last week; it's in the process of being mixed now. It took us almost five months because I left for school right in the middle of it. That slowed the process down along with not have professional equipment. Just a mixer and a couple mics, not exactly the best. Then I usually had to record first cuz the drummer couldn't get through the whole song with the timing right. Recording is rough! Now that it's over, I can finally start working my magic with the record labels. I have contacts at a few of them and know a couple bands on others so hopefully we get signed somewhere. I can wait another year, I'm in no rush really but I can't see myself finishing college and getting a real job haha. I've never wanted something more in my life than to get signed, make records and go on tour. That's the dream.
I also thought of a new life goal last night, to play guitar at a show for Kesha and 3OH!3!!!

I Wish (Skee-Lo) by
The Secret Handshake

Get Me an Exit

2010-12-29T15:22:00.000-08:00

Get Me an Exit by

The Sophomore Attempt

Cold water for a straight jacket case

Just role the cameras and I swear I'll be okay

Now 3, 2, 1, this is daily news and breaking

By a show of hands, who else in here is faking?

This is where it all went wrong

And the words you said were subtle

But enough to break the ice

This is a perfect way to end it

And I told you I was clever

But I think you'll be surprised

You've got a knack for finding red carpet thrills

And you've got the nerves, but baby I've got the skills

Now listen up, get your elbows off the table

Keep your mouth wide shut

Cause I've got something else to tell you

This is where it all went wrong

And the words you said were subtle

But enough to break the ice

This is a perfect way to end it

And I told you I was clever

But I think you'll be surprised

Here's your last chance to clap along with me

And here's the part where the audience gets to sing

Now it's 5 to 1 if you were looking for a setup

By a show of hands, who else in here is fed up?

This is where it all went wrong

And the words you said were subtle

But enough to break the ice

This is a perfect way to end it

And I told you I was clever

But I think you'll be surprised

Just tap your shoes now baby,

And whisper, "There's no place like home"

Cause we're not in Kansas anymore

Somewhere I Belong

2010-12-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

The past couple weeks I’ve felt like a complete stranger living in this house. I grew up here, I know this place inside and out but when break started something was different. I no longer live upstairs or have my own room; I can’t find anything I need because everything was moved or thrown out. My entire life in this house has been compacted into an 8x10 space in the basement. Even little things in this house have changed from newly painted walls, room arrangements and how everyone acts (to an extent). It’s like I’m a renter in some apartment complex, this isn’t where I belong. No one tells me anything anymore and we’ve run out of things to say to each other. Even a casual conversation is rare. I have nothing to say, so I don’t. Every time I try to open up to them about anything I’m shut down. They make me feel bad for having good friends and wanting what I do out of life and playing music. I’m a stranger and it’s become very uncomfortable staying here. I try to spend as much time as possible out with other people but at the end of the day I know I have to come back here and it makes my stomach drop.
I really want to go back to school so I can have my freedom back but that also means leaving my friends. I just can’t stay here anymore…

Somewhere I Belong by
Valencia
The dust is settling as I lie here.
It was a subtle hint of what went wrong.
I've been giving up, giving up,
on every plan I've made.
I'm finally waking up, but just a little too late.

My life has always been a dead end street,
with heavy eyes that shoot through me.
I slipped somewhere in between what's right and wrong.
And now I drown with every breath I take.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't escape.
I'll get out before I go insane, to somewhere I belong.
Somewhere I belong.

I don't know who I am or how I got here,
but I'm a subtle hint, the best forgotten.
You'll never know, never know what this boy could have been.
I guess I finally figured out.

My life has always been a dead end street,
with heavy eyes that shoot through me.
I slipped somewhere in between what's right and wrong.
And now I drown with every breath I take.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't escape.
I'll get out before I go insane, to somewhere I belong.
Somewhere I belong.

Struggling to find my feet,
but just in time to watch the sea wash away all memories of you.

Been giving up, giving up,
on every plan I've made.
Finally waking up, but a little too late.

My life has always been a dead end street,
with heavy eyes that shoot through me.
I slipped somewhere in between what's right and wrong.
And now I drown with every breath I take.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't escape.
I'll get out before I go insane, to somewhere I belong.
Somewhere I belong.

Boys, boys, boys

2010-12-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

I have to give it up to all my guy friends. Sometimes I don’t appreciate them as much as I should but they’re always there for me and the past week has proven that time and time again. If it’s picking me up from the airport, listening to me rant about college, giving me rides to places, getting me out of situations where I’m possibly going to get arrested, showing me how to fix or do stuff, or stopping me from making bad decisions. I like being able to chill with my guy friends cuz there’s no pressure, I can just be me. If I want to wear sweats, play guitar, set off fireworks or cuz down a Christmas tree in the forest cuz we needed a real one, they have no problem with it. There’s also less drama with guys and usually they don’t pry or ask loaded questions. If I want to talk to them about something I will and they will just listen. Sometimes that’s all you need, just someone to listen.
A guy friend picked me up yesterday in the snow (after taking out my mailbox haha) and we went over to part two of the family Christmas party. It was a good time and after everyone got their gifts another guy friend brought out his surprise. Everyone had me so scared that it was a little person dressed up as an oompa-loompa haha. I opened the box and it was the guitar I wanted… He got the guitar my parents wouldn’t even get me and I just didn’t know what to think. I ranted to him when my parents said they weren’t going to get it and he listened a lot better than I thought haha. Hands down, best Christmas ever. Then around 3am I went to work shoveling at Fed-Ex with two guy friends; made the money I need for my boots and had fun doing it. Got to watch the sun rise and tackle people into the snow and almost fall asleep standing up. Later I got to watch the sun set and it was beautiful, pink red and orange against the ice blue sky. It was a good ending.

Vegas by
All Time Low

Most ahhmazing guitar ever! Les Paul Studio Deluxe, Alpine white with gold hardware!!!

Santa you bitch

2010-12-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

I found out my parents lost/threw out my snowboarding boots so I'm praying it snows ALOT so I can make bank and to get new ones before going back to school. Had a pretty good Christmas with the circus but my friend-family Christmas party is still the highlight of my week. Round two is going down tonight and this is when I get my "surprise"; I'm still slightly concerned about what it is. I've had a few more ideas as to what it could be, possibly a baby kangaroo. I wouldn't put it past my friends to get something like that off the black market. It could be fireworks because we always get into trouble with fireworks... Could be two tires and I can't post the story explaining that so if you want to know, you'll have to ask haha I promise it is worth the trouble. Could be that someone got a tattoo of my face cuz I've joked around about that before but I think I feel really bad if someone actually got it. I guess I'm going to find out tonight!
I was playing and singing this song all day, thought I'd share!

"Santa Stole My Girl"
Its christmas day and I'm alone again
Shes with him now I'm with my loneliness
She ran away four months ago
Left with his sleigh for the north pole

Please come back home,
and leave that fat man alone.

Santa, you bitch
didnt get a damn thing from my christmas list.
All I got was this broken heart and thats it.
Santa, you bitch
Ohh theres only one thing that I truly wish
I wish my old girl
wouldve never kissed st.nick.

I saw 'em dancing under misteltoe
thought it was nothing but I guess I didn't know
that there was something going on with them.
Santa, you player
I thought that we were friends.

Please come back home,
and leave that fat man alone.

Ohh Santa, you bitch
didn't get a damn thing from my christmas list.
All I got was this broken heart and thats it.
Santa, you bitch
Ohh theres only one thing that I truly wish
I wish my old girl
wouldve never kissed...

Merry Christmas Baby

2010-12-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

Perfect for today...

"Merry Christmas Baby"

Ohh winter, winter couldn't come quicker.
hope she got the card that I sent her,
a free ticket to my doorstep.
I'm a worried kid, no I haven't slept.
I'm writing her and mister santa claus,
hoping he could maybe make some calls,
cuz she's out of this world, bring her back to me.
cuz it's christmas and this is where she needs to be.

Merry Christmas baby,
the only thing on my wishlist, maybe
you would come back home to me,
and we could walk the streets
and they could hear us sing.
Merry Christmas darling,
look at us, you can watch us fall
in love again, cuz it's the season
for us to be together, us to be together again.
Together again.

By the fire with some mistletoe,
change quick into my christmas robe.
Take a walk and we could watch the lights,
I'm not cold when you're by my side.
The sleigh bells on my roof keep me up all
night, but it doesn't mean a
thing, cuz you're here to see it,
it just means Santa's here for Christmas.

Merry Christmas baby,
the only thing on my wishlist, maybe
you would come back home to me,
and we could walk the streets
and they could hear us sing.
Merry Christmas darling,
look at us, you can watch us fall
in love again, cuz it's the season
for us to be together, us to be together again.

We've got some time alone tonight, it's just us two.
it got a little lonely sometimes,
then the rest the year's with you.
We've got some time alone, yeah, tonight it's just us two.
you got to be lonely sometime,
and then the rest the year's with you.

Everybody!

Merry Christmas baby,
the only thing on my wishlist, maybe
you would come back home to me,
and we could walk the streets
and they could hear us sing.
Merry Christmas darling,
look at us, you can watch us fall
in love again, cuz it's the season
for us to be together, us to be together again.

All you had to do was believe in me

2010-12-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in the kitchen today when one of my younger sisters walked in. She asked when we were going to make cookies for Santa and it hit me that I have two siblings that still believe the jolly overweight man still exists. I played along and said we’d make them later but it got me thinking about the lies we tell to others. Little kids are fed these stories about storks delivering babies, the tooth fairy, Easter bunny and Santa. I see the good that comes out of it. Kids believe in something greater than reality and that helps creativity and gives hope. By having the kids believe the world is better than it actually is, we’re protecting them. Adults believe in God, that’s not too far of a stretch to compare. Believing in that requires a great leap of faith and I applaud those who do. We believe in plenty of things like winning the lottery, sick family getting better, the good in others, miracles, love, second chances. A simple word resides in believe, “lie”. Everyone lies. We fool ourselves by saying we have good intensions but can anything good come out of a lie? A lie gives us hope and something to believe in but when a lie is found out innocence is lost. The kids find out Santa doesn’t exist and the joy of Christmas morning disappears. A loved one dies and the people left to remember them have trouble coming to terms with everything. The first time your heart is broken and you feel like you’re missing a piece of yourself. The first love took it with them and you spend the rest of your life looking for someone who makes you feel whole again. I remember when I stopped believing in Santa; when I stopped believing in God because the cancer my grandfather had killed him. I remember the first time my heart was broken and I’m not the same kid I used to be. That innocence and piece of me is lost forever. I believed that person would never hurt me and I was wrong. Although this has left me with some serious trust issues, I continue to believe people are genuinely good. I’d go out of my way to help a stranger and I hope others do the same. I believe in giving people second chances. I believe people make mistakes but that doesn't make them a bad person.

Shot Me Down by
Call The Cops

Consider me dead

2010-12-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Found two videos on youtube of the concert I was at last week. Enjoy!

"Consider Me Dead"

"Still Need You Around"

Shhh...

2010-12-23T07:27:00.000-08:00

Secrets- we all have them. They come in varieties of big and small, funny and serious, etc. I have my fair share just as everyone else. Some I didn’t chose to have to keep, some were made promises to friends, some more serious than others. I know we keep secrets as a way to protect ourselves and those we love cuz it’s better that way sometimes. I keep secrets from my parents and that gets hard after a while. I really want to be honest with them but after I’d tell them everything odds are I’d be kicked out. It isn’t the worst that could happen cuz I have good friends that would take me in but not being accepted for my flaws would be upsetting. The problem is I know for a fact they wouldn’t so I don’t even try. I have to put on this mask every time I walk in the door and it sucks.
I keep secrets from my friends too, nothing major though they pretty much know all my flaws. Like how I’m terrified of oompa-loompas, which is a legit fear, and as much as they make fun of me for it they still accept me. I realized that the other day when we were hanging out; I could just be myself and we could laugh about the stupid stuff we do and keep from our parents. I didn’t have to wear a mask and that was relieving. My friends are the best and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
Lately the tables have been turned because ALL my friends are in on some secret that they are keeping from me! It’s so frustrating because they all know something I don’t and they refuse to tell me. It’s supposed to be some kind of surprise but with everything they know about me I’m genuinely scared haha. I already warned them if it’s an oompa-loompa jumping out of a birthday cake, they can no longer consider us friends.
These are some lyrics I wrote for the band; thought they’d be appropriate for the topic.

“Black&White”
(Verse 1)

My secrets are too deep, too far to see

and now I hope that you still trust me

Can we break the silence, I want to start over

I’d give anything to have you back next to me

(Pre-Chorus)

This black and white photograph is all I have left.

And all that I wanted was the touch of your breath.

(Chorus)

The words that I wrote when I was thinking of you,

thinking of him, and I swore I’d never love again.

I’ve got these words locked up, all inside of me

and sometimes I wonder if you still believe in us.

(Verse 2)

Is this what you wanted? I know I’ve made mistakes

But since you left, it’s getting harder to stay awake

Do you understand? You meant everything to me

this song is for you, this is what I need to sing.

(Last Chorus)

The words that I wrote when I was thinking of you,

(This black and white photograph is all I have left.)

thinking of him, and I swore I’d never love again.

(And all that I wanted was the touch of your breath.)

I’ve got these words locked up, all inside of me,

(This black and white photograph is all I have left.)

and sometimes I wonder if you still believe in us.
(And all that I wanted was the touch of your breath.)

L.I.F.E.

2010-12-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

I was sitting with my laptop last night and just typed anything that came to mind. It was like a freight train and as soon as it came, it went. I don’t really see these as song lyrics although I could work them into such later. I like this the way it is. Raw; like slam poetry.

L.I.F.E (Love.Isn't.For.Everyone.)

I’m tired of wishing on the shooting stars

cuz they just fly away and I’m left with the scars.
Wondering why I can’t get on my feet,
I’m not defeated.
But I’m pretty damn close.
The edge keeps making it’s way closer and
the harder I run, the farther it pulls me in.
Like how your arms around me and
our fingers intertwined,
made me feel invincible
At least… at the time.
Like how your eyes locked on mine,
shook the world in a speechless conversation.
No words could attempt
to represent what you meant to me
and how you could make me feel without
knowing the consequence of my action.
The reaction is what I wasn’t prepared for.
The burn after the crash was something
I wasn’t sure I could get past because
when you left the bottles piled up and the days ticked by.
And now when the rain falls I know I can’t,
cuz when you hit the bottom
the only place you can go is up.

Texas Rain by
Sleeperstar

2:40am

2010-12-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

Stayed up to watch the lunar eclipse last night, it was a good time. I was on the roof for about an hour but it got way too cold so I laid on the floor by the back door. It was a well spent two hours of my life for a once in a lifetime event. It’s going to be another 84 years before it happens again but I don’t plan on being around that long. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want to be wrinkly, completely lose my already bad memory; not be able to move around or do activities that I love and God forbid- I live in an old people home. A gated community that’s actually a prison designed for old people slave-labor and forced bingo matches ha. I don’t plan on getting old because I’m afraid to live for so long that I lose purpose or appreciation of how beautiful life really is. I think that’s the greatest part about life, knowing that one day it’ll all come to an end. Everything’s more beautiful if it comes to an end.

I don’t want to live a long life and at the end have so many “what if?” scenarios running through my head. I’d exist but did I really live? No. Lately I’ve been trying to take every chance I can. Granted, sometimes I get hurt but at least I can say I tried and I can look back and be content with that. Someone asked me today where I want to be in five years. I thought about it and in five years, I want to be happy. I don’t need to finish college or make a lot of money or live in a big house to be happy. I could live in a shack near the beach, surviving on minimum wage and be happy. Where I’ll be in five years, I have no idea and I’m ok with that. For now I’ll enjoy the little things life has to offer.

Where I Want To Be by
The Dangerous Summer

Contradictions

2010-12-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Rewind to 2002, I was 10 years old and just got into music. I really wanted to learn how to play guitar but my parents refused to buy one for me. So I got a job reffing some local soccer games over the summer and when I made $100, I searched ebay for the guitar I wanted. I finally found it and spent all the money I had and then some to get it. The day it arrived I was so excited and tuned it up and stared at it for a couple hours. It wasn’t anything special, didn’t even have a brand name but it was mine and that made it the best. When my parents got home I asked them when I could start taking lessons. They asked how much money I had left from getting the guitar and when I said none; that was their answer too. A dream I had to be this great guitar player- vanished. How do you become great at something you don’t know how to do? I was so angry- I still harbor a little resentment towards them for that. Alone my guitar sat in the corner of the room for about four years. I’d tune it up every once and a while and go through the very few chords I knew and what I know now to be scales. Trying to memorize every sound and somehow hoping I’d get better. I spent most of this time listening to music and paying specific attention to every detail in a song. I would isolate each instrument or vocal track and try to figure out how to play it. After a few years of that, I found a website with chords and basic guitar playing. When I saw everything, it all started making sense so I got the dusty guitar out of the corner and started teaching myself. I still remember the first song I figured out, Swing, Swing by The All-American Rejects. From there I could recognize chords I’ve heard before and put them together to learn songs and create my own. I’ve been in a band for the last four years of my life and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. My parents are still as unsupportive as they were on day one and that’s made getting new gear a pain but it’s worth it. That’s something they can never take away from me.

Yesterday, my dad asked me for help. I asked with what and he said he’s getting my youngest sister (who is 8 years old) a guitar for Christmas and he needs help picking one out. She wants to be Hannah Montana; I’m not sure which part made me sicker. Of course, she’s getting lessons too cuz you can’t be a cookie cutter pop-star without getting everything you ask for. I admit, I’m livid about this whole situation and I think I’m allowed to be. When I asked for a guitar this Christmas, they said no (again). I’m trying to be as mature about this as I can so I politely declined giving my help and didn’t get into an argument even thought it was like a knife in my back.

I’m falling into a bad day pretty fast. Just figured out this song and I’ll prolly be playing it for the rest of the day.

I Lost Her by

Brighten

Take a step back

2010-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

Everything's been pretty crazy since I got home. I'm running on about three hours of sleep, a lot of Christmas shopping, an anorexic wallet and music. I think this is the first time back in my house since yesterday morning? I was in desperate need of a time-out from today so I was scrolling through my Itunes library and found this song. It helped me sort things out and get rid of some the anger I was holding onto for the past couple days. Everyone needs to take a step back from their lives and look at the bigger picture. I know I stress over little things and sometimes I just have to let go. Everything will work itself out and at the end of the day I know how lucky I am to have what I do.
I recommend turning off all the lights and laying down and listening to this song. Close your eyes, let the music take you away and let go...

Lapse by
Envy on the Coast

(Verse 1)
The road turned into a snake
and looked in my veins and said
it's in your blood
thats when i tried to run
but it was way too dark
I got scared and ran into your arms

oh sweet chemical predicament
I can't stop, can't change the evident
predisposed to forget the best part
a story where the hero dies out in the yard
made sure that the needle was clean when I let myself fall asleep
and all I kept was a piece of your picture
it slipped from her fingers when I slid into my dreams

(Chorus)It's not as deep as it seems
and unfair as it may be
I'm just here to remind you
remind you not to forget to remember me

(Verse 2)I know you know how it feels to make a clean break
my bones are your bones
my home is your home
you must be so confused
I got scared and ran away from you
oh sweet divine predicament
I can't hide I can't change the evident

We disposed the trusted photograph
to portray the way you used to laugh
do you recall and do you wed
such a radiant pride
you couldn't wait to see your first born take his very first steps
and you smiled at him cause you thought he looked like me

(Verse 3)Now I've died, you question so much
I don't possess the strength to answer straight
and no, I'm not afraid, at least not to die
I'm afraid to live and not remember why
sweet chemical indifference
I can't stop, can't change the evident

predisposed to perpetual sickness
I refuse to let you all be witness
make sure the needle is clean when you let me go back to sleep
and situate the piece of her picture underneath my fingers
it protects me in my dreams

Survival of the fittest

2010-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve been long overdue to attend a concert instead of playing one so last night was a good change of pace. Drove down to Philly with three other friends to The Trocadero to see Valencia. Once we got past the awful traffic and got into the venue I remembered how much strategy plays a role in your placement in the pit. I’m always one to be in the middle of the action, preferably center stage and a few people back so I can be a part of everything. When we got into the crowd for the first band, we decided to hang back for a little until the third or fourth band went on. As the third band begun to play, that’s when we made our move. It’s just like being in a crowded club, hold hands and stay together, act like you’re not in control, be slightly apologetic but cut through to the spot you want. This always comes with the risk of making other people mad but I’ve been lucky enough never to get in an actual fight over it. We made our way to my favorite spot and I was content until the fourth band began and the crowd surfers came with it. I don’t even remember how many people were dropped on me last night; I was at the point a couple times where I was ready to knock someone out. If you’re drunk, don’t crowd surf. Stay in the back with all the other drunk people. The fourth band was setting up and the one member looked so familiar but I just didn’t know why until she went up the mic and said her name. Juliet Simms, has the best female vocals I’ve ever heard live, ever. She has the range and rough edge to play the kind of music she does. I didn’t even know her band was playing so it was a pleasant surprise. By the time Valencia started getting ready for their set I was already tired, bruised and dehydrated but I was too excited to care. A friend and I debated which song they were going to open up with on the car ride down; I knew there was a great possibility my favorite song off the new album “Consider Me Dead” wasn’t going to be that opener but I still hoped. Another great surprise when they opened up with just that! The crowd went crazy, I went crazy, the crowd surfers were plentiful for the rest of the show and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. It’s definitely one of those things you have to experience before you die.
Here’s the line-up from last night, I would definitely recommend all of them.

New Strike Zipper
Mercy Mercedes
Terrible Things
Automatic Loveletter
Hit The Lights
Valencia

Song of the day:
Consider Me Dead by
Valencia

I wasn't prepared for what's to come

2010-12-17T07:06:00.000-08:00

If you only had one year to live, what would you do? How would you say goodbye to everyone you love? How will you be remembered?
Today I found out one of my friend’s mothers received a prognosis for her brain cancer. No more than one year. It must be so hard for her family and friends to know this is going to be her last Christmas, last everything. Times like these test my “faith” because this shouldn’t happen to good people like her. And people can say “God only takes the best”, “You were given the cross you can bare”, etc. But it still makes no sense. I hate seeing bad things happen to good people.
Everyone’s days are numbered but what if you knew that number? How would you live your life differently if you knew how many days you had left? I kept trying to imagine getting that news myself, what would I do? If I had less than a year to live, I would want to be able to leave knowing my friends are going to be ok. Naturally I would tell them because I wouldn’t be able to handle a secret like that by myself. I would write letters to all of them for future birthdays or holidays; take as many pictures with them as I could so they won’t forget me. I’d blow my life savings and do everything to get the band signed to a label. I would talk to strangers and listen to their life experiences and dance where ever I went. I’d say everything to everyone who needed to hear it. I’d watch the sun rise on the east coast and set on the west coast. I’d fill a pool with jell-o just cuz I always wanted to see what that’d be like. I’d get a baby kangaroo haha and have a nerf war with all my friends in the King of Prussia mall. I’d get legit arrested for something like starting a riot and finally get a mug shot. I’d get the tattoo I want cuz then my parents refusing to pay for college won’t matter anymore. I’d sing in public even though I’m crazy self conscious about that. There’s so much I’d do, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Senior year, my English teacher asked how we thought we’d be remembered in high school. Looking back, that doesn’t matter. In the grand picture of life, how you were remembered in high school doesn’t matter. What matters is having those closest to you remember you for who you are.
The only part I would have the most difficulty with is saying goodbye. I can accept that I’m going to die but not knowing if my friends could accept it with me would be the worst. If there’s one thing I’m terrible at, it is saying goodbye. I can rehearse what I want to say over and over and over again but I can never seem to get it right. I would want to tell them how everything will be ok even though I know that’s a lie. Death changes people and they’re never really the same after. Mainly I would want to tell them how much I love them and how they’ve changed my life for the best and how I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I would be happy for the chance to say goodbye. I’ve had people taken out of my life and I never got to say goodbye… I miss them every day.

Song of the day:
Still Need You Around by
Valencia

My money's low so instead I'll write you a song everyone will know

2010-12-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Home sweet home! It feels so good to be back even in this blistering cold. I have the best friends in the world! No one from my family could pick me up from the airport last night and all I had to do was make one call. Two of my best guy friends were waiting for me when I got off the plane. We caught up on what we could in the 25 minute drive and took a detour to Wawa for food and to talk more. A couple weeks ago we decided to have a "family" Christmas party because some friends in our group never celebrated Christmas or any other holiday in December! That's crazy, they never had a tree to decorate or presents to open on Christmas morning or the illusion of Santa. So at this "family" Christmas we're gonna do all of that. Someone's gonna dress up like Santa, we're gonna decorate a tree and sing Christmas music and everyone's helping buy each other gifts cuz we're all poor haha. I can't imagine a better way to celebrate this holiday cuz I'll be with the people I really love and consider my family.
Today looks like me and a friend are going shopping today to pick up or buy gifts for the party, then back to the band room for practice! I might move into the band house for a little cuz I don't want my family to get me sick or share a room with my older sister haha.

Song of the day:
Right Where You Want Me To Be by
A Day To Remember

Next flight tonight... I think I'm coming home

2010-12-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

This song fits today perfectly!
Get Ready by The Maine

It's Christmas Eve
And I'm alone
We haven't talked in weeks
I think I'm coming home
I'll pack my bags
I pray it snows
Next flight tonight, I think I'm coming home

So get ready
Cause I think, yeah I think
I'll be coming home for Christmas
I'll be coming home to all I've ever known
I'll be coming home for Christmas
I'll be coming home to all I've ever known

I can see it now
The table set
The smells and sounds
Oh, who could forget
Just you and me
And some mistletoe
Wrapped in a blanket
I think I'm coming home

So get ready
Cause I think, yeah I think
I'll be coming home for Christmas
I'll be coming home to all I've ever known
I'll be coming home for Christmas
I'll be coming home to all I've ever known

You and me, my favorite place
As the tree lights up your face
You and me, my favorite place
My favorite place

Hey Romeo

2010-12-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

"Is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all?"

Every day for the past two years I've asked myself this question; depending on the day my answer changes. On the good days, I appreciate everything that happened because it made me who I am today. On the good days, I'm glad to have had those people in my life because somehow I can't imagine my life without them in it. I have good memories to look back on and on the good days, I rarely think about them. I call the good days moving on. Then there are the bad days; they make me forget completely the good days and memories. I relapse into a depressed mood and don't talk to anyone, withdraw from everything and wish my mind would stop working. The pain comes back all the same, like re-opening a cut that never seems to go away. The conversations that I can recall word for word, the facial expressions, the drop of my stomach. I can remember it all. When I'm in these moods the best way I know to deal is to write about it. I didn't have anyone to talk to when these break-ups happened. I was alone and the only thing I could do to feel heard was write. It's easy to write when I'm down because it's something I can put all my focus on. I know what I want to say and how I want to say it; nothing can hold me back from that. Just a pen to paper.
I find it harder to write when I'm in a good mood. This isn't to say that I haven't written songs when I' in a good mood, it's just I haven't written as many. Thought I'd share this song with everyone. I wrote it on a day I felt like I was going into a depressed mood but by the time I finished I was just content. It was like I reached a point of understanding I was looking for.
This song's about mistakes, its about regret and its helped me let go every time I play it.

(Verse 1)

Hey Romeo, way to go.

You're tearing up the radio

Hey Romeo, did you know?

She used to turn heads and break hearts.

Well I guess that's changed a bit.

(Chorus)

Hey Romeo, where'd you go?

You left her all alone.

Hey Romeo, how does it feel

to write the songs she'll never hear?

Did you know that she gave up,

You messed up.

You'd give anything to have her back

to have her back.

(Verse 2)

Hey Romeo, did you see?

the look in her eye,

she lost belief.

She had faith in everything

until you let her down.

(Bridge)

And it's time we gave up,

I'm ready to give in.

Cuz we don't know how this whole story ends.

And it's time you gave up,

She's ready to give in.

And I know how, this whole story ends.